Maya's Granny

Mom's Birthday

2009-04-23T04:23:00.001-08:00

I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.

~Jack London

Last year, going through my mom's things, I found a print that had hung on her wall for as long as I could remember. It was this quote, matted and framed. It reminds me of how she lived her life.

I still miss her every single day.

I had planned to post this on June 15, the anniversary of losing my mom. But somehow, it seems more a quote that celebrates her life, not mourns her death, so I'll post it on this, which would have been her 67th birthday.

Final Post

2008-06-20T19:06:00.007-08:00

Picture collage put together by my uncle Forrest, for mom's funeral.
I've been thinking a bit about what to do with this blog...with mom's words, her stories, her hopes and fears. I'm the co-author of this blog, in that I helped her set it up way back when, and I've been able to maintain it during these last horrible months, during her decline.

I've decided to let it go. It makes no sense for me to post here, as this is the place for HER voice, HER stories, not mine. But I'll leave it up, as long as makes any sense whatsoever, because her stories are wonderful, her thoughts are wonderful, and if there's a chance someone new might come along and enjoy some of these posts, I know she would want that.

Because she truly LOVED this blog. Loved it with a passion. When my Uncle Forrest was trying to motivate her to get up and get better, he used this blog as a carrot. She saw that, and she agreed...this was the carrot that would work. Because her friends are here. Some of her dear friends from Juneau came here. Her friends from OO came here. And friends from blogging came here. So she loved it. You cannot know how much your love and support have meant to her, and to me and Richard, during this sad, difficult time. It has meant everything.

The more I process all of this, the more I think, that it wasn't so much a matter of depression and lack of motivation, but a matter of her truly not being able to get up and move, that got her. What I mean by that is that the combination of the furnace leak in her apartment several years ago, that did a REAL number on her lungs, was a huge contributer. Her lungs looked like those of someone who smoked, not those of someone who had quit in the mid 70s. The injuries she has sustained over the years, which made exercise so difficult, added to her heart and lung problems. Her weight, which contributed to her diabetes and apnea, added to her problems. Her depression, which sucked the motivation from her, added to her problems. All of these together, I think, were too much. She rolled snake eyes, and couldn't get past it.

I've been playing the 'if only' game a lot. If only we hadn't put her in the extended care facility, would she maybe have been less depressed, and so, able to rally and get better? If only I hadn't pushed her so hard, tried to get her up and moving, would she have at least felt more understood and loved before she died? And truthfully, these are 'what ifs' with no answer. How can I know, if things might have turned out better, had things been different? I can't. Perhaps if we hadn't put her in the extended care, she would just have deteriorated even faster, in Kate's house. If I hadn't tried to push her, would I now be kicking myself for not trying? My only wish at this point is to have her back, to have none of this have happened, to go back to life as it WAS. But I can't have that. And it hurts. I don't know how a person is supposed to live without their mother there to care for them. Even in her last hours, she was more worried about MY worry, than about herself. She wanted to get up and do physical therapy, to make me happy. She wanted to make me smile, giving me rides up and down on her hospital bed. But what she really, truly wanted, was to be healthy again, out of pain, and out of that facility. Well, she is now. But I'm heartbroken, and I hope that if my atheist leanings are wrong, that she's at peace somehow, and can give me some comfort at some point.

This is a crappy last post for a blog, written through the tears of a heartbroken daughter who has lost her mother. You, her bloggy and online friends, who have loved her and been her friends, deserve something more uplifting. I'm sorry that I don't have something better to give. But again, thank you, for all of your friendship and support, and please know, you have meant to the world to my mom, and you have been a great comfort to me.

Updated on Monday, 6/23, to add that I'm doing a bit better today, and that there's a post on that here. I won't clutter up Mom's blog with my own recovery efforts. That's what my own blog is for. But I just wanted you all to know that I'm not doing so much of the what-ifs any more, that I'm going to print up this blog and save it for Maya, and that even though I still miss my mom horribly, for right now, I'm doing a bit better.

Mom's Obituary

2008-06-19T04:23:00.001-08:00

Joycelyn Ward
April 23, 1942 – June 15, 2008

We mourn the loss of Lilith Joycelyn Ward. She leaves behind her daughter, Julie, her son, Richard, her brother, Forrest, her sister Lori, her mother, Virginia, her Aunt Florence, and her many nieces and nephews, and their children. And of course, she was Maya’s Granny.

Joycelyn was born in Oakland, CA, and moved a great deal in her lifetime. She lived in California for much of her life, most recently in Sacramento and Citrus Heights, but also spent many years in Stockton and Berkeley. She lived in Juneau, Alaska from 1993 until February of this year.

She devoted much of her life to helping children, from her early days as a Montessori teacher, to her days teaching parenting classes and working one-on-one to help parents who were at risk of losing their children. She also worked as a volunteer coordinator, as a research analyst, as a secretary, and at an organization working to prevent teen alcoholism.

She was a voracious reader, loved to write and tell stories, and found great joy and satisfaction in her blog, Maya's Granny.

Her wisdom and wicked humor will be greatly missed.

Donations can be made in her memory to her favorite charity, Heifer International.

(This obit ran today in the Stockton Record, sans picture. A slightly shorter version ran in the Sacramento Bee, and Richard ran one in the Juneau Empire as well.)

I had a dream

2008-06-15T12:48:00.001-08:00

Art by my brother, Richard Ward.

I had a dream the other night. We decided to take my mom off of all of her meds, not just her antidepressants, and she got out of bed and was walking, walking like I haven't seen her walk in about 25 years. Fast and with a spring in her step. She looked much younger, too...perhaps about 40 years old. She had her hair in two long red braids, and was wearing a tie-dye dress and looked so happy. Carefree and healthy and in her prime.

Then I woke up, and for the briefest second, I was truly happy for her. Then it hit me, that no matter if she were to recover, it would never be that sweet full recovery, that fountain of youth. And worse, I knew, in the pit of my stomach, that she would never recover. That this battle was too much for her, and the motivation too difficult to muster. And I almost cried from despair.

And now, it looks as though I was right. My much loved mother suffered a heart attack at around 2am this morning, and she passed away.

How I wish that cold, cruel truth were the dream, and my dream, reality.

(p.s., Ted posted a sweet story on his blog today, a glimpse of what we have lost.)

So.

2008-06-12T11:53:00.002-08:00

How are things going with Maya's Granny and her eternal recovery? Not well.

She has stopped eating again, and the antidepressant they put her on that was supposed to increase her appetite reacted very similarly to the Paxil and Prozac, though it's in a different family of antidepressants, so it's probably not the same problem, but a new one instead. They took her off of this new antidepressant yesterday, though they're maintaining the Wellbutrin, as that did seem to be helping somewhat.

She isn't doing as much physical therapy as she needs to do to get better. That worries me. A lot.

She hasn't picked up a book or shown any interest in reading anything since February. That worries me even more.

Part of me wants to follow the advice of those who say to take her off of the antidepressants entirely. They don't seem to be helping, and she's not making progress, so what's the point. On the other hand, they take awhile sometimes to work, and she wasn't making progress without them, either. She wasn't getting up and moving, wasn't eating, was already in the beginnings of a decline. So second guessing myself is probably not productive.

I can say wholeheartedly that mom's friend Kate is a godsend. I've never known such a devoted, giving friend. Mom was sick, and planning to move in with my Grandma and Aunt Flo, but wasn't really strong enough to go to them at the time of her discharge, so Kate offered to have her come and stay with her. Mom was there for a week and a half, and then wound up back in the hospital, then the care facility. Kate has been going to visit practically every day, which takes at least 2 hours out of her day. Brings her food to try to tempt her appetite. Talks to doctors and nurses. Goes with her to apppointments. Tries to be encouraging and hopeful, and that's probably the thing she needs the most. I don't know how many friends would be this generous with their time and energy, and hopefully, most of us will not have our friendships tested to this degree. The emotional side of watching mom get worse like this is not at all what Kate signed up for. I swear, if I win the lottery, I'm buying Kate a car. With air conditioning.

So that's the news at this point, at least as much as I feel comfortable telling on a blog that is not my own. I hope that my mom can get up and moving soon, and can regain her perspective on life, because right now, it's a pretty hard time.

Letters and Cards

2008-05-20T06:33:00.002-08:00

Maya's Granny asked me to thank you all for the lovely cards, letters, and postcards that you've sent. It makes her happy to know that her friends care and are thinking of her, and she has been enjoying reading them over and over again.

If her back didn't hurt so much when she sits upright, she would write you back. But for now, at least know that she's grateful, and that she is enjoying them. :)

~J

Cautiously Optimistic

2008-05-14T18:22:00.004-08:00

That's where we're at at this point. Maya's Granny is feeling more herself, and is starting to want some control over her own life, which is a big step in the right direction. The healthy MG HATES the idea of being out of control like that, and wants to be reasonably able to determine what is going to happen, and when. So, she knows that she isn't going to get any better if she doesn't eat. So she's asking for what she wants, and is able to get some of it down. I'm not sure if she is enjoying it, but at least she's eating. She wants to get up and walk, but the spasm in her back and leg (sciatica, we think) is getting in her way. A few days ago, that was a reason not to try. Now, it's an obstacle which she wants to overcome.

So...I'm not sure if she's physically healthier or not, but mentally she's coming along. She's motivated again, and wanting to get better. She's taking advantage of the resources that they have at the assisted living facility. All of which is good.

I've thought the struggle was over before, thought the worst was behind us before, only to have a relapse. So I'm cautiously optimistic. Hoping things will be better now. Feeling like they have to be.

Where's Granny?

2008-05-08T16:56:00.004-08:00

Right now, she's in an extended care facility. Trying to get her meds worked out (she's off the Prozac, and feeling much better in that way), so that hopefully, soon her depression will no longer affect her appetite and keep her from doing physical therapy. She's feeling better, and on the road to being better. I think it's still a long slog, though. Not a quick answer, not a quick recovery.

Anyway, a few folks have asked how they can get in touch with mom. There's no email address for her at this place, but you could send cards to:

Lilith Ward
c/o SunBridge Brittany Care Center
3900 Garfield Ave
Carmichael, CA 95608

I'm not sure how long she'll be there, and I'm unwilling to put her long term mailing address up on the internet. So don't send anything valuable, as it could get stolen, or it could miss her completely, and I don't know how good the folks will be about notifying her of gifts received. But a card, a postcard of somewhere pretty, a picture? I think she would love that.

Thanks everyone for your support, again and always.

Setback

2008-05-05T10:59:00.003-08:00

This setback finds Maya's Granny back in another assisted living facility, as of yesterday. She's not strong enough to take care of herself, and needs to be eating and able to do more before she can be out of professional care. Sigh. The doctors seem to think her major problem is depression, a diagnosis that I don't disagree with.

So now they're going to get her evaluated for that, and figure out what medication they might be able to use that will help her, and won't have the problems that both Paxil and Prozac have caused. She'll have more physical therapy, as well as occupational therapy. Sigh. Not sure when she'll be back to her blog, but it may be awhile.

Back in the Hospital

2008-05-01T20:32:00.002-08:00

Hi All, J here. Mom asked me to update you, so you don't worry, and so you don't think she's forgotten you and doesn't care.

Well, she's been doing ok, but not great. There was some misunderstanding between the cardiologist in Anchorage, and the doctor at the extended care facility, and she didn't receive some of the heart medications she should have been receiving. Now, she's in CA, and finally has some insurance issues straightened out, and is in the position to see a doctor. But wait, she hasn't been able to stomach food for awhile now. She doesn't eat, and the smell of food turns her stomach. She's lost a lot of weight, and while that in itself might be OK, she's losing it too fast, and she's not getting any nutrition to give her the strength she needs to do physical therapy, etc.

Then, early Wednesday morning, she fell and hurt her back. Not horribly bad, not enough to go to the hospital, but badly enough that she's very uncomfortable, and can't get up, can't go to the bathroom without help, can't have a bath without professional assistance, etc. Poor Kate is, at this point, watching my mom decline, seeing her get weaker and weaker, trying anything she can to get her to eat so she'll feel better SOON. Nothing works.

Then this morning, mom wakes up and is feeling queasy, queasy like she did when she had her heart attack. So Kate called the advice nurse, and they said to get her to the hospital.

So. Mom's back in the hospital. They ran some tests, and she has congestive heart failure again. She may have pneumonia, they're checking on that. They're straightening out her medication issues, getting her started on physical therapy again, and trying to figure out what the problem is with her appetite and not eating. She'll be there for a few days, perhaps longer. Then, since Kate isn't able to give her the care she needs yet, nor am I, she will probably go to another assisted living facility for a short time. Then, hopefully, back to Kate's house.

That's how I spent my day on Thursday. At the hospital. That's how mom and Kate spent Thursday, at the hospital. But Kate and I got to go home. Poor mom, she's stuck.

Still Alive

2008-04-28T10:24:00.001-08:00

Very tired. Moving slowly. Seeing a doctor on Wednesday because I can't eat.

Thanks for dropping by. Love you all.

Update

2008-04-25T14:46:00.003-08:00

I haven't forgotten you. My hand is still stiff, I spen Wednesday and Thursday takng care of business and in the car. I'm resting but zonked.

Kate & I are having a good time.

Hi!

2008-04-22T10:31:00.004-08:00

Here I am, safely in Sacramento.

Tired. Having trouble with my left hand. But here. At Kate's house. With one of my best friends in all the world. With Meyer lemon trees and a wisteria arbor. With wind chimes. Loved and cared for.

And needing to say thank you to all of you. For hanging in and waiting for me. For good wishes.

And for the incredible generosity that helped my kids pay for this move. There are no words that express my gratitude enough.

So these few will have to do. Thank you! There is no treasure greater than freinds. And I am a rich woman.

Moving Day

2008-04-16T06:39:00.002-08:00

Saturday is moving day! MG will be moving from the assisted care facility in Anchorage to her dear friend's house in Sacramento, CA. She'll be staying there for awhile, until she's up and around enough, at which point the plan is for her to stay with my Grandma and my Great Aunt in Stockton. MG loves Sacramento and Stockton, except for the heat and the fact that they're not as pretty as Juneau (few places are, to be fair).

She'll have a laptop (another gift from Richard!) in Sac, so she'll be able to post more then. I'm thinking you may not hear from her until she's been settled a few days, though. At this point, she's still not sleeping much, only an hour or two a night, and so the work she has to do during the daytime is wearing her out. Hopefully that will be figured out soon. Sigh.

We're all looking forward to the end of this phase of recovery, looking forward to the next phase, which will of course have its own challenges to be met. One day at a time, as they say.

Thanks again to everyone for your devoted and continued support. It has meant a lot to me, and to Maya's Granny, and to Richard as well, even though he's not much involved in the bloggy world.

~J

Update

2008-04-10T18:32:00.003-08:00

Hi All,

J here. Maya's Granny asked me to tell you that she's fine, but that she has been crazy busy with this and that, physical therapy and occupational therapy and dr. appts. and sleep studies and so on...so she hasn't had a chance to post, but she will hopefully be able to get to the computer soon. :)

Love,

~J

Errata

2008-04-06T10:31:00.004-08:00

Masks:
You probably know that I use a CPAP machine when I sleep at night. And because of the long summer days in Alaska and the fact that my apartment had no curtains, I also use one of those Lone Ranger style sleep masks. It occurs to me that I look like the insect god when I sleep.

Amenities:
If you know anyone staying for a while in a hospital or extended care facility, among the things that will make life good for them, are:
books
CDs
their favorite herb tea
a real cup to drink it in
lemon drops or other hard candies to combat dry mouth
hand lotion
mustard and salt to "fix" the food
a small amount of fresh ground coffee to cover other smells
dried fruits
nuts
crackers

For Carol, and others wanting to get in touch with MG

2008-04-05T18:22:00.002-08:00

Hi All,

Mom asked me to post instructions on how to get in touch with her at the Extended Care center for the next two weeks...her friend Carol left a comment asking how to get in touch.

You can email her using this page.

Select Providence Extended Care Center from the drop down menu, and she's in under the name Lilith Ward. She can't write back to you from this email address, but she will receive your message on a printout.

The phone really tires her out, so I'm not going to put her phone number here for folks to use. She can add that if I'm wrong. :)

Upnight Part 2

2008-04-05T10:31:00.003-08:00

So, the cna who left me to "fall asleep".

After I had been up for a while and my legs had stopped twitching, I rang to be put back to bed. (And got some more sleep.) The cna and the nurse both came in. And, I said:

"What I want is to go back to bed, but I'm afraid to. If my RLS returns and I need to get up, I'm afraid that you will leave me in bed "to fall asleep" for 1 1/2 hours again, and I'll have to go through that torment again."

The nurse not only gave the cna what for, she reported it to the nursing coordinator.

We got two doses of Perkocet last night. However, I may be having a reaction with some other drug I'm taking, because they didn't last four hours each. The first lasted 3 and the second 2. I need the doc to amend the order again, to allow for a third dose (of 1/4 of a tablet -- it's not a lot) during the night if I need it. I wonder how long that will take. The nurse and I are hoping for today but I'm not counting on it.

Updatenight

2008-04-04T11:23:00.002-08:00

So, here we are a few days later. The second night, same problems. About 12:30 I realize that my legs are doing Riverdance up the bed frame. Duuhh!! Restless legs. Had them for years, but I've been able to control them for the last three. One quarter Perkocet at bed time, another every four hours. But there is no way to get this cure now, because the nurse can't give me any drugs without doctor's instruction and there is no doctor available after 11:30. But, now I know what the problem is and can relax. Immediately that I pay attention to my legs, I begin to feel that the need to pee is not a need to pee, but a need to twitch! & then at 4:00 the attack ends, & I have the cna put me to bed. Just as I've drifted off, there is a lab tech to try for blood! This dialog is literally what I said.

"No!"

"It's doctor's orders."

"Young woman, has no one ever told you that to wake up a woman with multiple sleeping disorders just as she has finally fallen asleep two nights in a row is a capital crime? Run for your life!"

Which she did.

Two hours of sleep.

The next night, the nurse has told the doctor what the problem/solution is & at 9:30 brings me the Perkocet. I sleep for 3 hours & request the 2nd dose. Except it hasn't been ordered & it's past 11:30.

Three hours of sleep.

Yesterday morning the nurse tells the dr. the problem & requests orders for the second dose. 9:30, get my dose, sleep 3 hours & the nurse goes for the second dose, only to discover -- the doctor hasn't amended the orders. & it's now after 11:30*
So I decide to get up & sit out the attack. I signal the cna, she tells me she 2 people to deal with and then will help me up. 1 1/2 hous later & I'm twitching out of my mind, still in bed. My roommate & I both start to ring. The cna comes in & tells me she had left me on purpose! Knowing I'd fall asleep!

I dealt with that & will tell you later, but I have to stop & let my arm rest.

* I have now added a new sleeping disorder to RLS & apnea. Dr. Agnew's bedtime.

Night From Hell

2008-04-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

Shall I start by telling you I survived? Yes, we will take the mystery out of the entire thing.

Friday, Saturday, & Sunday nights were rough because I kept waking to pee and not getting as much sleep as I needed. Falling asleep during the day. Low energy.

So, Monday the doctor gave me a new sleeping pill. I took it at 9:30. By 11, I had been up to the bathroom 5 times. Never much, but the need was there. By 3:30 I was in despair and asked for (yes, asked for) a diaper. Except that my mother trained me too well -- I can't do that. At 4:30 I had stopped needing to go to the bathroom, so knowing that my insurance only pays for me to be here if I go to physical and occupational therapy, I figured I would sleep till 10:30. Got the nurse to help me to bed, and discovered that the call light had fallen between the bed and the frame. Couldn't call the nurse to rescue it because. . .

Finally got it fished out, was starting to fall asleep, figuring now on maybe four hours of sleep, and in comes the woman from the lab to take my blood. When she told me why she was there and refused to leave, my hands under the covers turned to claws. Twice she stuck me, and twice the other person she got stuck me and all four times hurt and none, count them 0, got any blood.

By now it is 7:15 and the joint is wide awake and I know I'm not getting any sleep. So, up I get. And discover that the person who ordered this blood letting was the same person who ordered the sleeping pill. I have a little hit list. One doctor and two ~~bad~~ clumsy lab techs.

Oddly enough, I've had a great day. Go figure.

I Actually Saw These At The Time

2008-04-01T19:06:00.004-08:00

Last year, Chancy at Driftwood Inspiration posted this lovely story about Exotic Gardening which mentioned a BBC broadcast I had seen when it was first aired in 1957 about the Swiss spaghetti harvest.

When I was in Philadelphia, the year Maya was born, the local paper ran an ad for The Taco Liberty Bell claiming the federal government, in an attempt to reduce the national debt, had sold the Liberty Bell to Taco Bell.

The full text of the ad read as follows:

Taco Bell Buys The Liberty Bell
In an effort to help the national debt, Taco Bell is pleased to announce that we have agreed to purchase the Liberty Bell, one of our country's most historic treasures. It will now be called the "Taco Liberty Bell" and will still be accessible to the American public for viewing. While some may find this controversial, we hope our move will prompt other corporations to take similar action to do their part to reduce the country's debt.

In a related release, the company explained that people and corporations had been adopting highways for years, and that Taco Bell was simply "going one step further by purchasing one of the country's greatest historic treasures."

I got this ready for April Fool months ago. This computer doesn't show the pictures, so I can only hope.

Update, Whopper

2008-03-30T23:53:00.003-08:00

It worked & it didn't.

I was able to eat half the meal. The best food I've had in a month. But it didn't carry over. However, I was able to eat yogurt & pudding for dinner. & Dale brought me some freshly ground coffee beans to mask other food orders.

I feel a little more like, being able to blog and taking some control of my life. I still need help getting into bed, but I can figure out ways to help.

Sunday

2008-03-30T09:57:00.002-08:00

So, here I am again. I think I will have Dale bring me some tea along with the Whopper! We don't have B King in Juneau, so I had the title wrong.

Yesterday was very tiring. So I took it off. Napped in my chair a lot. I know what would perk up my appetite for sure, and even though recreational pot is not illegal in Alaska, I don't think they can use it medicinally. & everyone I know who could help me is in Juneau!!!!!

What a sadness.

Anyway,so good to hear from all of you. It makea my day even when I haven't the energy to respond. One thing I've realized, that for all that I've lost, I didn't lose this or you. I'm still Maya's Granny!!!!

Slowly, Slowly

2008-03-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

I usually type about 120 wpm. With my current numbness I am discovering just how much of that is with the left hand. So, it is the middle of the night & I've had 9 hours & decided to start on this & work on it all day off & on & get something done.

Very frustrating -- I was never good at hunt & peck. The next time I see my doctor, this is going to be item #1 to discuss. This had better be temporary!!!

So I saw the Dr. and, despite my fears, my hand will recover. Meantime, I am hunting & pecking & not saying much, because it it exhausting. I am having trouble getting enough sleep every night & food repels me. I eat in my room because other people's food gets to me. Open the tray, eat 5 or 6 bites, get it gone fast, fast, fast.

If anyone knows of anything to erase the smell of food let me know & I'll have my nephew, Dale, get some. T hank heavens for Dale! Sunday, on the theory that something I've been wanting may jump start some appetite, he is bringing a quarter pounder for lunch.

Busy Busy Busy

2008-03-27T18:11:00.002-08:00

Hi All, J here. Mom is being kept very busy at the extended care, and they're pretty much wiping her out. Today she had breakfast, shower, occupational therapist, dr. appt (that included a trip to the hospital), lunch, physical therapist, something I'm forgetting, and somewhere, dinner. She was too worn out to get to blog. Tomorrow she has a very similar schedule, with occupational therapy, physical therapy, another dr. appointment, meals, on and on. She is planning on getting here to blog, but can't promise.

Her left hand seems to be numb. She spoke to her doctor about that, and the doctor said that is very common after heart surgery, and in 99% of cases, all feeling comes back within 3 months. Which is good, but not much use right this minute.

Her blog is keeping her motivated, though. Talking to you, and hearing from you, is one thing that she can look forward to EVERY DAY. Of course, she can also look forward to talking to family, but that's different. As you all know, family is family, and a blog is truly one's own. So she will be here when she can. She loves you, and the blog, too much to stay away.

What Shall I Rave About Today?

2008-03-26T09:11:00.008-08:00

So here it is 9:16 in the AM and I'm trying to figure out what to write about today. My left hand has gone numb for some reason, which makes it hard to type. I have lots I want to say but not much skill to say it.

One of the major problems with the last couple of years was my job. I wrote about the job that I loved, Burnout*. How I left it and found another that wasn't as good a fit and I got very sick and left that job. It took some time to be well enough to find another job. The job with the teens I never intended to stay with for long because it was too easy but at the same time I felt like I wasn't doing a good job. I realize now that I was sick the entire 18 months I was in that job. And when it ended I couldn't find another job. Every application I submitted resulted in an interview.

I have never before gone more than 3 interviews without an offer. Now, 20 interviews. Not a single offer. Talk about depressed.

* This computer at the extended care won't load pictures or link posts. (J's note, I liked it for you, mom. :) )

So It Goes

2008-03-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

So here I am. Not very bright and clever. But not lost. Working on a new keyboard, so clumsy. Much I'd like to say, but my hand goes to sleep and my butt aches. I wish my body felt better and worked better. Talking tires me, as does listening. I want to sleep and wish I had the energy to be awake. The hours pass slowly and I am beginning to realize that I am depressed. Dare I say it, Cheerful Charlie that I am? Depressed.

I have spent my life being optimistic and cheery and I have decided to let myself be unhappy here. I think that the more public my outcry the better it may do me, on the theory of not hiding a thing. So, prepare. For a while, I may just rant and rave.

What has this sickness cost me? Shall we start with my Hooligans? My soft, silky loves. Inky Pippin and wicked Merry? I will never again wake up with Pippin on my hip and Merry on my feet. Never. I feel so empty without my Hooligan boys. And they will never understand. One day I went out to breakfast and never came back. And they lost me and home and each other. They've been together since the womb, and now they are not. And I want to cry and scream and yell and carry on. My babies.

I know that they will adapt. One day they may not even remember me. But I'm not certain I'll ever recover. Yes, I know I will. But I don't feel like I ever will.

And I love them so much. I enjoyed their company and the soft warmth of their little beings. Merry cuddling on my chest and purring like all get along. Pippin looking me in the eye and knocking things off the desk. Very much on purpose. Sheer delight. How can I go on without them?

Well, Hi Again

2008-03-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Tired and not very active yet, but back. With a computer available in the break room.

The notice says to limit to 20 minutes or less and I've been reading comments so I'm going to leave you for now, but I'll be back before the day is out.

Monday Update

2008-03-24T10:59:00.003-08:00

Hi Everyone, J here again. Mom seems to be doing better every day, and is now ready to be moved back to the Extended Care Facility. I don't think she suffered a setback so much as she was moved before she was really ready the first time. And of course, the anti-anxiety drugs were no help at all. But over this last week, it sounds like she's made a lot of progress emotionally and some progress physically, and is getting her head wrapped around what needs to be done. And one thing about Maya's Granny is that once she has the challenge figured out, she tackles it head on.

One nice thing about the Extended Care Facility is that it has at least one computer that patients can access, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't do that without internet access, so it's possible she'll be back to blogging herself soon! I know she'll at least be reading if she gets the chance. Perhaps I'm being premature in hoping she'll be back online soon, but I'll let you know if she doesn't have access.

So all signs are looking up, I'm happy to say. Mom and I have had much better conversations this week, which has been a relief with her off of the heavy meds. The 'mom moving fund' has been GREAT, and has raised $1,780 thus far. With our expense being $3,800, that leaves just over $2,000 for Richard and I, which is SO much more manageable than the numbers we were looking at just a few weeks ago. Again, thank you to everyone who has been able to chip in. And of course, thank you to everyone for your kind words and continued support. I'm hoping this will be the last you'll hear from me over here, and mom's voice will return where it belongs. If you need to find me, as always, I'm over here. :)

~J

Time for an Update?

2008-03-18T11:06:00.005-08:00

Here we are, and it's a few days since I've updated you. Last you heard, mom had been transferred from the hospital over to the extended care facility. Well, that didn't last long. There was some sort of problem with some anti-anxiety drugs that they gave her, and so she was having trouble breathing, and they sent her to the emergency room early on Saturday morning. These things frustrate me, because of course I'm so out of the loop, I don't know what's going on. And the nurse in the ICU scared the hell out of me, telling me that mom's lungs and heart are in terrible shape, and making it sound like she might never be well enough to leave. WTF? That scared me, and some other things scared me, and it sounded like gosh, she might die anytime now, and maybe she had given up, deciding that her quality of life wasn't going to be what she wanted, so she was done. So I cried, and I called my grandma and made her cry, too. Grandma has already buried two of her four children, and would not like to outlive any more. So we got the whole family all worked up, and had a fairly surreal Saturday. Sunday, I called to see when they thought she might be taken off of the ventilator and be allowed to wake up, and instead of talking to the nurse in the ICU, I was able to speak to my mom, who was feeling MUCH better, was awake and alert and more chatty than she's been in over a week. I spoke to her doctor, who didn't mirror any of the concerns that the nurse the day before had shared with me. I'm still hoping to talk to another doctor about a more long term prognosis, and this is part of what is hard about being so far away...sometimes they don't want to give out information over the phone, and when they do, sometimes I don't think to ask a pertinent question until much later, and I don't know what the hell is going on.

I just called and spoke to my mom a few minutes ago, and she sounds great. She is more lucid and coherent than I've heard her in awhile. I believe this is because they have her off of the Paxil. She's asking for lemon drops, because her throat is so dry. I have a cousin in Anchorage, so I'm going to ask if he can bring her some. But more importantly, she is coherent enough to realize that although she has very little control over her life and its schedules right now, she would like to know what is going to happen, so she can give it some predictability at the very least. And she is planning to discuss this with her physical therapist and doctor, which is a huge improvement over her wanting me to call her nurse and ask her to go in and help her change her tv channel, which was how she was under the Paxil.

So that's the update, where we are now. Mom is doing well. Not as well as if her lungs were healthier, I suspect. But well. I'm not sure how long it will be before she is moved back to the extended care facility, and not sure how long between that move and her coming to California. But at least things are looking up.

And I thought of updating you on Saturday, telling you of all of my fears and how she might die at any time, but just talking to family about it was making me cry, and I hadn't told all of her friends and family yet, and didn't want folks to learn about it via the blog. I wish none of you would find out bad news, should it come, via the blog. But for today at least, the news is good, and mom's in fighting shape, looking forward to moving to CA and being closer to more family, though of course she will miss Richard and Kathy, and her beloved Hooligans, and her many, many dear friends in Juneau.

Good News Update

2008-03-13T14:51:00.005-08:00

I spoke with the Nurse Practitioner who is in charge of my mom's case this afternoon, and she said mom is doing MUCH better. That she seems to be reacting really well to being off of the Paxil, and that she seemed chipper and upbeat.

She left the hospital today, and is being moved to an extended care facility in Anchorage, where she will continue to receive both physical and occupational therapy until she is ready to come to California. If you would like to send her an email there, you still can at the same website, just pick Providence Extended Care from the drop down, and remember to address it to Lilith, not Joycelyn. (Joycelyn is her middle name.)

You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that she is doing better. She was really resisting her physical therapy, not wanting to get up, not wanting to help the nurses to help her. She was like a different person than the mom that I know, and that was kind of scary. I was starting to wonder if something had happened with the anesthesia or something. But she got up and walked 4 times yesterday, vs. earlier in the week when they could barely get her to walk once. Oh, what a difference it makes to not be on medication that isn't helping you in the least!

So, it's still a long haul, I would think. She still has a lot of discomfort, and a lot of hard work, ahead of her. But it's good to know she's back on board with this whole thing, and feeling better. Even if she is still tired and sleeping much of the time. ;)

More good news: Richard received word that the estimate for moving mom's things to California was high, really high, and the actual expense will be closer to $4,000. Whew! We have received $1,310 from kind souls; friends and family that we know in person, and friends that we only know through the internet. Please know that your generosity is greatly appreciated, and has made a difficult load easier to bear. Not just financially, but also emotionally. Thank you all.

Mom updates

2008-03-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I'm going to post updates below the 'hat in hand' post, in case people come looking for it. Updates on her progress will be just below. ~J

3/11/08 - There's an update below...
3/12/08 - Update on her surgery today...

Hat in Hand...

2008-03-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone, J here again. While I was in Alaska fretting about mom's surgery and trying to keep friends and family updated on her progress, Richard has been in Juneau figuring out how to get her things moved down to California. He and his wonderful wife, Kathy, have been going through her things and trying to figure out what goes to California, and what gets tossed. It's not easy to go through someone else's things and figure out what has sentimental value to them, and what is something that is just sitting there because the person didn't have enough energy to throw it away. I don't envy him the task.

Last week, the movers came, and assessed the cost of shipping her things...and it came out to almost $8,000. ACK! Richard is going to put this on his credit card, and it will take a long time to pay off. I'm planning on chipping in what I can, but I'm not sure how much that will be.

So many people have asked how they can help, if there's anything they can do to help make the burden a little bit lighter. You have all helped already with your well wishes and support, which has meant so much to us, and to my mom. If you are in the position to help out a bit financially as well, and if you're so inclined, we would definitely appreciate it. And if you would like to help, but you don't have a paypal account, email me at j_asregadoo AT yahoo DOT com, and I'll write back with Richard's snail mail address, which is where any checks can be sent. If you prefer paypal, here's a button to a page Richard has set up for mom's move fund.

Again, thank you all so much for all that you've done. You don't know how much it has helped us already, especially mom, who has loved hearing from you all via blog comments, email, snail mail, and flowers. (Dea, the first thing she said to me when she came out of her drugged state was to please thank you for the card. :) )

~ J

Update: Thank you so much everyone...thus far, we have received over $1,200 toward mom's move, which will help a LOT. You are too kind, and it means a lot to us. The support of all of mom's friends, and of our friends, has meant a lot. Thank you.

Surgery Update

2008-03-12T13:10:00.002-08:00

Mom had surgery today, to put in an internal cardiac defibrillator (I think that's what it is called.) She was originally scheduled for this surgery yesterday, but she got bumped. She wasn't too happy about that, because when you're going into surgery, you're not allowed to eat or drink, and she was very thirsty when I spoke to her. So to have it all be for naught was frustrating.

Anyway, I called the hospital this morning to see what time the surgery was scheduled to take place, and they said she had already left. Yay, no more sitting around wishing for something to drink! I called back a little while ago, and I spoke to her. She said she's feeling a bit more chipper today, which is good news.

I'm still thinking she'll be moved to the assisted living facility tomorrow. I'll let you know how she's doing as soon as I know more.

Updated Update

2008-03-11T13:14:00.009-08:00

Hi all, J here. I haven't written any updates in a few days, mainly because things have been pretty much the same, but also because we're all a bit down about the whole thing, and it's frustrating.

First problem is that they had my mom on Paxil, which is an anti-depressant (I'm sure I'll be seeing a bunch of spam comments now that I put that name in the post), and I think she isn't reacting very well to it. She's been giving the nurses a hard time, and in ways that are not at all like her normal self. The doctor took her off of the Paxil today, so hopefully in a few days, she'll be more herself. If not, then we have to try to figure out what else the problem could be. Just frustration and exhaustion? Another med she's on? Not sure.

Second problem is that she doesn't have a lot of energy, and is having trouble with the walking. It's such a huge part of recovery, so very important, but she just feels exhausted and worn out when she tries. Which is part of the hard time the nurses are getting.

She seems sad when I talk to her. She's lonely I know, and yet doesn't really have the energy to talk on the phone or visit. She's sleeping a LOT.

They found another problem, and so she's having another surgery on Wednesday. They are going to insert an internal cardiac defibrillator, I think. Much smaller, much less invasive surgery, but surgery nonetheless.

She's moving Thursday, probably, to an extended care center. I didn't want her to end up having to go there, but she's in no shape right now to move to California, and I'm wondering if she'll be ready in the next few weeks. Ugh. So stressful. She needs a LOT more physical therapy before she's ready to move on, and that's the best place for her to receive it.

I'm sure she would love to hear from you. You can email her using this page.

For now she's at the Medical Center, which you select from the drop down menu (actually, it's the default), and she's in under the name Lilith Ward, and her room is 278. I'm sure she would be OK with me putting that info up here. I'll probably pull it in a day or two. She's moving on Thursday probably, and then you can use the same page, but select Providence Extended Care Center from the drop down.

Sorry the news isn't better. It's not dire. She's doing ok. Just disheartened and not feeling well. Muh. I wish so much that there was something I could do to help her through this. Feeling pretty helpless right about now.

~ J

MG Update

2008-03-06T21:25:00.004-09:00

I received a message from the Doctor's assistant today...and from Mom's nurse as well. Seems they'll call you back sooner if you leave them your phone number. I thought it was in the file somewhere obvious. Oh well.

She isn't recovering as quickly as we had hoped for, but more quickly than we had feared. She got up and walked some today, which seemed to help her feel much better. So that's good. Not so queasy from all of the meds today, again, good news.

The donations to her moving fund have surpassed $1,000 already...I've gotta say (and forgive me for repeating myself, because I've said this in a few thank-you notes), I'm starting to feel like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life", when the entire community comes together to help in his time of need. Indeed, no man is poor when he has friends. And mom has many. (And a few of mine and Py's have kicked in as well, for which we are very grateful.) ~J

Update

2008-03-05T06:51:00.004-09:00

I know many of mom's online friends, and friends in real life, are coming here to find out how she's doing, so I'll try to be better about letting you know. Right now, I'm not sure what her progress is. Yesterday they said they were planning on moving her from critical care to progressive care, and that she was doing well. I feel like I need more info than that. She's pretty out of it when I talk to her, and I don't know if that's the anesthesia, the pain medication she's on now, or just her body trying to recuperate from the heart surgery. I feel like I need a reality check. I'm going to place a call to her doctor today and see if he will give me more pertinent information. I'll let you know, within HIPAA regulations. ;)

She did say that she misses you all and loves you.

~J

More Good News!

2008-02-29T15:00:00.003-09:00

Blogging from the Seattle airport now, at a chi-chi little place with a cheese plate and a glass of wine, and that feels just about right right now. I went to visit mom early this morning, on my way out. It was just about the hardest thing ever to leave with that tube still down her throat. Her nose itched, and I was there to scratch it. But then I left, and who would help her with that? She couldn't talk, because of the tube down her throat, helping her to breathe. She tried spelling something to me, but either I was too lame to read the letters, or she was too drugged up to make normal letters for me, but I couldn't read them. We squeezed hands, and she cried a bit, and I cried more, and I felt like the biggest turd on earth for leaving her there like that. I'm tearing up here and now, thinking about it. It SUCKED.

The night shift ended at about the time I had to get to the airport, so the kind nurse who was caring for her overnight drove me to the airport (near her house)...I gotta say, folks in Alaska are nicer than folks in California, by about 10 1/2 miles. I was so so sad to leave, and it was nice to have a taste of kindness on my way out. I only cried twice on the airplane about leaving her like that. I'm going to blame it all on Alaska Airlines, because when I originally changed my flight from last Saturday, I wanted to fly home tomorrow, but they didn't have any flights available. So if they had, I could have stayed long enough...

TO SEE HER WITHOUT HER TUBE!!! I landed in Seattle, and called first thing, and her wonderful day nurse Deb told me that they took the tube out, that she was much more comfortable now, that she had talked some, and was now sleeping comfortably. YAY! Oh mom, you show them that they shouldn't scare the hell out of your kids, your mom, your family and friends, by telling us that you could be under for a MONTH, with undertones of "well, at first we thought if we did the surgery she might be under FOREVER..." which made us think, Oh, crap, was THIS a bad idea...But you showed them not to mess with Maya's Granny, because you KICK ASS, and you're awake and talking, and will be up and about sooner than anyone dares to hope.

Go, Mom, GO!

With much love, and a ton of relief, J

(Cross posted at Thinking About...)

Blogging from ICU

2008-02-28T16:05:00.004-09:00

Mom is doing better today than anyone expected, which just goes to prove that she's strong and determined, even when knocked out cold. They woke her up for just a few minutes today, and she was breathing on her own for a bit, so they feel confident that they will be able to remove the breathing tube in a day or two. I've been in here, talking to her and rubbing lotion on her wintery feet, and I think she can hear me. She opens her eyes once in awhile. I know she's not completely awake, as they said they don't like to do that with the tube down her throat, and I'm sure she won't remember that I was here, but I also think she knows I'm here now, and that's a good thing. She and I are both doing SO much better today. Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers. They have helped a lot.

~J

Good News/Bad News

2008-02-27T19:22:00.002-09:00

Good News:
The surgery went very well. Mom got 5 bypasses, her heart seems to be tolerating and enjoying them. She got two units of blood, which she is also tolerating well. Her labwork since the surgery all came back looking great. That's a relief.

Bad News:
Mom's lungs aren't in great shape. The doctor said she might be able to come off of the ventilator tomorrow, which would be great. He also cautioned, however, that it's entirely possible that she won't be able to come off the ventilator (tube down her throat helping her to breathe) for several days, a week, even a month. And they'll keep her unconscious until she is off the ventilator, so I don't know how long before she'll be awake again. I'm sure hoping for tomorrow. I want to see her awake before I leave for California, which is Friday. I hate the idea of leaving here here, alone and asleep. But I can't stay, not knowing how much longer she'll be asleep. We did talk about this beforehand, and she agrees. That helps, but not as much as you might think.

At one point during the surgery, someone came out to tell me the progress, and they said that her lungs didn't look great. A bit later, I was talking to Richard on the phone, and he said, "I wonder if that could have anything to do with the heater in her apartment..." Crap. I had forgotten about that damn heater. A few years ago, she had a heater die in her apartment, slowly and without much noise or anything...it was quietly, slowly filling her apartment with soot. It happened so gradually that she didn't realize anything was going on, until one day she looked up and realized her walls were gray. Great. So after the surgery (not before, when they might have wanted to know this information, but it didn't occur to any of us that it could be important), I told the surgeon about the heater and the soot in her apartment. He said it's impossible to know what damage that may have done, but it could have done the same damage as decades of smoking. Wonderful. So yeah, she's doing well. But I've been crying, and I'm worried, and I wish I knew whether all of this worry was for nothing, or if this is just the beginning.

Blech. Sorry, I wish I had more good news. I want good news. I'm going to try to focus on the good news that I do have, which is that her heart is doing well, and her body is getting more good oxygen and blood than it has gotten in a long time, and that will help it to be strong and heal. That's where I have to focus, I think.

(cross-posted at Thinking About...)

Surgery update

2008-02-26T21:29:00.008-09:00

Surgery is scheduled for first thing Wednesday morning. Maya's Granny did an awesome job of prepping for it, getting her lungs ready, moving and preparing. I'm so proud of her determination to take this opportunity to turn her health around. Her honesty when talking to the doctors here has only helped them to understand all of her own issues and desires. She is going to get physical and occupational therapy after this surgery that she should have had after her hysterectomy a few years ago, but didn't receive because her insurance ran out right after the surgery. She is sad about leaving Juneau, but looking forward to the freedom of living somewhere where the streets aren't icy and dangerous, and she can enjoy long walks and yummy California produce. Spending time with her beloved 'little mama', her Aunt who shares her birthday, and her 'baby' brother, Forrest. And, of course, seeing that wonderful girl, Maya, who made her a Granny to begin with. :)

I'll keep you up to date when I can. I do know that many of her good friends, esp her online friends, are coming here to follow her progress. Just to let you know, I'll be leaving Alaska on Friday, having spent two weeks here and needing to get back to my job and my family. I'm miserable at the idea of leaving her alone here, and I wish I could afford to stay with her while she recuperates. With me will go the computer, as she will be moving rooms a few times as her recovery progresses, and we don't want to see it go missing in the transitions, and the hospital safes are not large enough to hold it. So you won't hear from her for awhile, probably not until she is in California, which may be a few weeks. I will come back here from time to time and let you know her progress, but leave most of it to her to tell in her own time, as this is her blog, not mine, and it should show her voice, not mine. Thank you all for the support you have shown to her, and to me. You have no idea how much it helps.

~J

UPDATE: One of the surgical team members came in a few minutes ago, and said that surgery started at just before 9 a.m. Alaska time, which is 10:00 Pacific time. It will be hours before we know more, but thus far all is going well. :) I probably won't update again until she's completely finished, which will be 3-5 more hours, I think.

Mom was downright chipper about the whole thing this morning, looking forward to a new chapter in her life, whatever the hell she has to do to get there, including bypass surgery. I think that attitude will take her far in her recovery and future.

Moving On

2008-02-25T16:24:00.004-09:00

2/25/08

So there. It's said. I'm not going back to the apartment that I've loved so much. Or to my Hooligans. My books will probably be in storage for quite awhile until I'm able to live on my own again. Life is going to be different and I don't know how or when. But I suspect it will be an adventure. New things to discover. Being able to take a walk without worrying that I might fall on the ice. Days of sunshine and bright skies.

I really do love California. It's just different than Alaska. But, cheerful Charlie that I am, I'll focus on the produce and the closeness of family and the sunshine. The closeness of friends.

So Sunday night I almost picked a fight with my new night nurse over the blood pressure cuff. When I got here, one nurse was able to take my blood pressure with one cuff in a new position. That the reason my arm has hurt so much was that I am short between the shoulder and elbow and the broader cuffs are also too long. So, for a week I've been having relatively pain free blood pressure tests. Then tonight, Kittie decided that she doesn't buy into that theory and she is going to do it her way.

Part of me recognizes that she is wanting to take care of my health. Part of me feels the standard dismissal of a woman's report of her own body that medical science throws at us. Should I be fighting for my own reality? Allowing her to take care of me?

Is it worth a major battle? Is it part of an ongoing pattern that just feels like, "If you're going to be that fat, you can just suffer the pain, and that'll teach you!"

Too much time on my hands, not enough intellectual grist to chew on! (J's note - I know mom wishes she could go on the internet right now...)

I wake in the morning and there is a white board at my feet. It tells me the day and date, where to find Julie, and the name of the nurse today. Kitty is taking readings and telling me all is getting better. I'm used to being checked on in the mornings by a cat who is concerned by my health. This is a very nice Kitty. A good way to start my day. "You," Kitty tells me, "should write all this down."

"I am," I tell her. A woman can be forgiven for the blood pressure cuff if she recognizes talent when she sees it.

The nurses and doctors have the recliner thing to wrestle with every day. (J's note - there is a recliner in the room, and a nurse early on showed Richard how to work it. It's not intuitive, and I have since given training to two other nurses on how it works. It's stupid that they haven't been shown, because, as I said, it's not intuitive, which a recliner certainly SHOULD be.) It shouldn't be that hard to open. It makes me mad how hard that is for them to do. Why hasn't anyone taught the staff of this hospital how to open the chair without injuring themselves? Why isn't the chair designed better? It shouldn't be that people who are trying to help you are being hurt!

More Notes from the Hospital

2008-02-24T13:35:00.003-09:00

2/24/08
6:45 a.m.

The first day I was here, my brother the infamous Forrest, called me and told me he was "Rich the Stich" from the Haight Ashbury and a whole bunch of the 'old gang' were cheering for me to make it. And he thought it was funny that I would think someone from 1963 would know that I'd had a heart attack. "How," he wanted to know, did I think Rich had found out?
"Julie posted it on my blog."
"People read your blog?"

So, on Saturday evening when Forrest called claiming to be a perfectly respectable black man looking for his sister, I didn't fall for it! I'm just lucky that I didn't tell him that he didn't do a very good black man! And when he actually did call late, he didn't think it was nearly as hilarious as I did. But,in my James Thurber loving mind, yesterday will always be the day Forrest pretended to be a black person.

Richard went back to Juneau on Thursday. My surgery was too far out for him to be able to be here than and take time off to bring me home. (J's note...surgery has been pushed back until Wednesday at the earliest). Poor Julie, feeling so sad when Richard left her alone!

Poor Richard, to have to go to Juneau and close out my apartment. To have to decide which of my stuff to send to California, and which not. To have to find new homes for my Hooligans! To deal with banks and all the other business which I won't be able to pick up again for awhile.

Well, fudge.

2008-02-23T17:43:00.002-09:00

2/23/08
8:00 a.m.

Someone stole my clipboard. Well, no. It's their clipboard, but it feels like "someone stole my clipboard." And now I want to write truly breathless prose. And the clipboard is gone.

But Dawn knew where it was, and so now nothing can hold me down. I shall write a masterpiece among the "almost had a heart attack but refused to die" genre. I will be famous. People will date things from this date, February 23, 2008 - the day Joycelyn woke up and it seemed like people were swarmed over her and taking readings and giving pills and deciding she should pee more, that she had been good so she could have a new mask. I am, the therapist says, entitled to a new mask every three months! Well, damn it, why didn't anyone tell me earlier?

Why, I wonder, did I think I wasn't allowed coffee? It is such a pleasure - and I wonder how much I've been missing due to the impression that I'm doing well to get by with this?

Until yesterday, the world seemed to revolve around a quiet, perhaps contemplative sort of genteelness that was the way "our" folk get sick - in a ladylike manner, not asking too much of anyone. Actually, having 'good' medical care provided over a faint protest of "Oh, this isn't necessary. Surely not this much. I just want to go out to breakfast and buy some cat food. No need for all this fuss. Well, that shot which makes the upset stomach go away. That would do. No need for Richard to get shoved into the end of a jet and flown to Anchorage alongside his poor helpless mother's body with a damned tube stuck down its throat." Yes, that kind of too genteel to-find-myself-HERE sort of thing.

But what I notice, today, is that this hospital wing doesn't end at my room. When Dawn isn't with me, she is with someone else! Her life consists of things beyond my blood pressure and volume of urine and meds and did the doctor come and see me? I'll bet she leaves here at night and people love her. And there are other patients in those other rooms! Who knew?

Do you know how I know it's Jenny on the phone? Am I already doing something that means I can't talk to her? Then it's Jenny. If I'm alone and lonely and would give my right arm for a call from Jenny? Then I can bet it's someone I've already talked to!

2/23/08
1:05 p.m.

Yesterday was a foggy in and out type of day. Mostly the world was my world - it didn't go much beyond my toes or include much that wasn't me. I remember thinking in the afternoon that they had brought a black child to the person in the next room - wondered why no one had sent me one? And when I walked past there to the shower, I remember thinking that they must be using that room for an emergency simulation, and wondering where the Coast Guard had found an entire multi-generational black family for their drill?

Thank you, Little OO

2008-02-23T17:39:00.003-09:00

J here. I just wanted you to know that mom has received your emails and your beautiful flowers, and that she is very touched, and is enjoying the flowers greatly, and your kind words mean so much to her.

I'll let you know as soon as I can how the surgery goes. :) Until then, you'll probably be hearing more from mom, as she has a lot to say right now. That will drop off drastically, as I have to leave on Friday to go home, and she won't have a way to get online for awhile. And right after surgery, I'm sure she won't have much to say, either. But I'll keep you up to date until then. :)

~J

Update

2008-02-20T14:03:00.006-09:00

This is J again. Mom came through the angiogram well. She did not enjoy it at all. Looks like she will need bypass surgery, probably on Friday, but that's just a guess, as I haven't talked to her surgeon about it yet.

Will keep you up to date as I know more.

UPDATE: It's Thursday noonish...looking like surgery will be early next week, probably Monday. I'll keep you all informed as I learn more. ~ J

Things I've Learned From This Experience

2008-02-20T09:03:00.003-09:00

The tea is stronger if you actually put the bag in the hot water.
A catheter that lets you sleep without having to get up multiple times in the night to pee has much to recommend it.
Good friends are a blessing beyond price. Those who make sure you're ok, and those that send flowers.
You feel a little foolish when you read a list of symptoms and you had them all.
It's possible for a cheerful, optimistic person to feel cheerful and optimistic, and still be depressed.
If you bother to mention the last name of an old high school buddy, your mother might know who you're talking about.
If your body isn't acting at all like it usually does, you might pay attention to that.
The King's youngest daughter was right - food without salt is a little dull.
Myth Busters is as much fun in the middle of the night as it is at noon.
Hospitals aren't nearly as restful as you'd think.

Can't keep MG from Blogging

2008-02-19T15:19:00.005-09:00

Hi again, J here. My mom may be laid up in a hospital bed with no access to a computer, and she may be on pain meds, but she still thinks of her blog, and of the blog fodder to get out of this experience. ;) So, she hand-wrote this post, and I'm in the 'family area' of the hospital where I can use Richard's computer without fear of interfering with heart monitoring equipment, and I'll transcribe her story thus far.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thursday, I was in a great deal of pain in my left arm, which has been happening a lot lately. But, as I'll explain as I go, as per usual I was mostly ignoring it. That's partly because I'm a colonial descendant and so my ethnic programming is to keep a stiff upper lip and not complain, and partly because I can be damned stupid at times.

My landlady was over, not fixing the sink (fixing things that should have worked but didn't), and could tell that I was really hurting. But I took a Percoset and 3 Ibuprofin and by bed time it was better. I was trying to figure out what could be causing soft muscle pain and decided to chart the various factors I knew, so I could find out. Barometric pressure - it had been up and down for the last three days, pretty much with my pain level. Whether I was using my heating pad. A number of other things, but these two seemed to trade(? mom's handwriting...). "Perhaps," I decided, "I had managed to keep a minor injury inflamed with too much heat.

Friday, I got up and the apartment was cold. It turned out that someone had turned the fuel off at the tank. I called my landlady and told her how cold I was, and that the pain was worse than the day before. She called at about 4:30 to tell me that she had discovered the problem and would be over (she lives two doors away) to turn on the pilot light by 5:30. She wasn't there, nor was she answering her phone, and I was in agony. I called Richard to come, but he was at work and couldn't get away, so he sent Kathy.

The pilot light wouldn't light and the pain got worse and I didn't dare use the heating pad for fear things would get even worse. When my landlady finally came over at 7:30, Kathy was still struggling to get the pilot lit, and I was in truly horrible pain. No explanation from the landlady. They never did get the downstairs pilot lit, but the landlady managed to get the upstairs one working, and off they went.

At 9pm, the pilot was still lit, but no heat. I called the landlady and asked if she could bring me the space heater she used when she was heating the pipes to keep them from freezing. She sent her son-in-law, who checked the heater and TURNED IT ON, and by 9:30 the upstairs was getting warm and my pain was dropping. But he still couldn't light the downstairs pilot light, so I stayed upstairs in the heat, even though all I'd had to eat that day was half of a peanut butter sandwich. So, Saturday I published my pre-written blog post, got dressed and fed the cats, and headed out to meet the Saturday Morning Breakfast Club. Though I felt nauseous, I figured the reason was hunger. When my friend Christine came to pick me up, the first thing she said was, "Shall I take you to Bartlett (the local hospital) or to breakfast?"

Which is how I arrived at the Sandpiper Cafe, and having forgotten to put in my partial plate (you know, the teeth at the top left of my face), and with a grocery list that said only, "cat food, garbage bags, sandwich bags". (J's note...mom does her shopping on Sat, and never without a full list, so this is unusual. She also doesn't usually leave the house without her teeth. ;) )

Christine and Harold tended me while I drank ginger tea and ate four spoons of oatmeal, and apparently while I was in the bathroom, decided that although Harold had to go home to care for his dad, Christine was not leaving me alone at the A&P. Somewhere between the table and Christine's car, I regained whatever semblance of sanity I had, and asked if I could go to Bartlett now. And that's how I ended up in Bartlett at 9:30a.m. with consumptive heart failure and being medivacted with Richard by my side to Anchorage. Turns out that pain in my left arm? Angina.

I'm not sure how long it's been going on, but it turns out that when you can't breathe well, you don't think well. I've been getting worse and worse and scolding myself for being lazy for quite awhile now.

Julie flew up immediately, so poor Richard didn't have to do this alone. We won't know what treatment I'm going to need until Wednesday, because I have to be able to lay flat on my back for over an hour for the test, and there is still liquid in my lungs preventing that. So, Richard and Julie are in Anchorage taking care of me, and Kathy is in Juneau, caring for the Hooligans and helping me out in many other ways.

By the way, I still don't have my front teeth in.

Where's Granny?

2008-02-17T22:04:00.001-09:00

Hello loyal readers...you may have noticed that my mom hasn't posted in a few days (well, technically yesterday). She is in the hospital for a few tests and perhaps a procedure, but asked me to let you know that she's OK, and will be back to her bloggy self asap.

~J

Minnesota Starvation StudyII

2008-02-16T07:01:00.002-09:00

Yesterday I talked about the Minnesota Starvation Study done in the 1940s by Ancel Benjamin Keys, Ph.D., which examined the results of starvation on a group of 40 healthy young men, as discussed by Sandy Szwarc, of Junkfood Science in her post, How we've come to believe that obesity is caused by overeating. In that post, I looked at some of the physical effects of starvation/dieting and examined my own dieting experience with what Dr. Keys discovered. Today I want to look at the psychological effects.

But the psychological changes that were brought on by dieting, even among these robust men with only moderate calorie restrictions, were the most profound and unexpected. So much so that Dr. Keys called it “semistarvation neurosis.” The men became nervous, anxious, apathetic, withdrawn, impatient, self-critical with distorted body images and even feeling overweight, moody, emotional and depressed. A few even mutilated themselves, one chopping off three fingers in stress. They lost their ambition and feelings of adequacy, and their cultural and academic interests narrowed. They neglected their appearance, became loners and their social and family relationships suffered. They lost their senses of humor, love and compassion. Instead, they became obsessed with food, thinking, talking and reading about it constantly; developed weird eating rituals; began hoarding things; consumed vast amounts of coffee and tea; and chewed gum incessantly (as many as 40 packages a day). Binge eating episodes also became a problem as some of the men were unable to continue to restrict their eating in their hunger.

The act of restricting food and the constant hunger “made food the most important thing in one’s life,” said one of the participants. “Food became the one central and only thing really in one’s life. And life is pretty dull if that’s the only thing. I mean, if you went to a movie, you weren’t particularly interested in the love scenes, but you noticed every time they ate and what they ate.”

These experiences are familiar to those who’ve spent their lives dieting. In fact, many of the symptoms once thought to be primary features of anorexia nervosa are actually normal biological responses of undernutrition and restrictive eating, said David M. Garner, PhD., director of River Centre Clinic in Sylvania, Ohio, in Psychoeducational principles in the treatment of eating disorders (NY: Guilford Press, 1997). It was actually Dr. Keys’ research that first evidenced the role of dieting in increasing risks for eating disorders.

The extreme physical and mental effects Dr. Keys observed led to his famous quote: “Starved people cannot be taught democracy. To talk about the will of the people when you aren’t feeding them is perfect hogwash.” This was also what led early feminist activists to see dieting and weight concerns as a way to keep women preoccupied with food, filled with guilt and self-hatred, more easily influenced by others, and too mentally and physically exhausted to succeed professionally and politically.

Think about these results for a moment. And then think about them again. And then think about the degree to which the government is involved in promoting the idea that we are in the midst of an "obesity epidemic." And the concern of governments all over the world with childhood obesity.

Today's political landscape requires that we be informed and capable of critical thinking. Remembering that the subjects Dr. Keys worked with were on 1,600 calories a day and that most reducing diets are 1,200 calories or less a day. That once the calorie restriction part of the study was complete, the subjects naturally ate 4,000 calories a day and that when dieters find themselves eating over 2,000 calories a day they panic about the "binge" eating they are doing and try to put themselves back on their diets. That the Minnesota study subjects wanted to regain the weight they had lost and dieters do NOT. How many dieters ever get back to a state of psychological health? How many are ever really capable of their best critical thinking and deepest thought? How many are in a state to pay close attention to what the government is doing?

At the very least, this national obsession with weight is reducing not our waistlines but our vigilance. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, and I don't think that anyone is purposely seeing if they can get us to starve ourselves into a state of apathy about the direction our government is going. But isn't it convenient for them?

And I do believe that the diet industry, which brings in over $66 billion a year, lobbies strongly for obesity measures from the government to increase their profits. And I also believe that if anyone is aware of the rest of this, if they know just how uncritical dieting makes the populace, it doesn't bother them in the least.

Recruitment poster courtesy Sandy Szwarc, Junkfood Science

Minnesota Starvation Study I

2008-02-15T11:57:00.011-09:00

Sandy Szwarc at Junkfood Science posted How we've come to believe that obesity is caused by overeating on February 7. This is a review of the historic Minnesota Starvation Study by Ancel Benjamin Keys, Ph.D., of starvation and its aftereffects. During World War II, it was evident that the millions of people in Europe who were being starved would need knowledgeable care when the war was over. Dr. Keys recruited young men who were conscientious objectors, healthy both physically and psychologically, to undergo three months of starvation on 1600 calories a day (substantially more than most dieters live on) meant to reproduce the diets of people in war-torn countries, for three months. Out of the hundreds of volunteers, he chose 40. Healthy young men, who were willing to starve so that others could be fed. The men were followed through a full year of recovery.

Among the things discovered when the men were allowed to eat as their bodies dictated after the starvation segment of the study:

It was not possible for them to recover on 2,000 calories a day.
For up to six months, they ate up to 4,000 calories a day.
They regained every pound lost, plus 10%.
The regained weight was more fat and less muscle than the weight they had lost.
Eventually, they stopped gaining and naturally returned to their original weight.
"Overeating" was evident only as long as the men were below their normal weight.

Considering these facts puts the diets I've been on and the rebound eating I've done in an entirely different light. In the first place, I don't think that a single one of the over 35 diets I've been on was as high as 1600 calories a day! The first diet my mother put me on was 900 a day. Of course it was only for 9 days, but still -- 900 calories. I was once put on an herb tea fast by a doctor, that had no calories a day for whatever length of time it took to lose 60 pounds. It was rare for a diet to be as much as 1,000 calories a day. Eventually my metabolism had adjusted to ~~dieting~~ starvation to such an extent that I couldn't lose weight on anything more than 800.

Until I totally stopped dieting, I only twice went more than six months without going back to dieting to re-lose the weight I was regaining. The first time was when I was 16 and went to live with my great-aunt, and spent two years eating normally; the second was for eight years in my late 30s and early 40s. In both cases, my weight stayed steady. I ate what I wanted and did not gain anything in that time. Those were the only times between the age of 12, when I began to diet, and the age of 58, when I gave it up for good, when my weight wasn't yo-yoing. The only times when whatever I took out of the closet and put on would fit the way it had the last time I'd worn it. I did not balloon out of sight.

I never allowed myself to eat 4,000 calories a day on a constant basis. Rebounding did include what I considered "binges" of about 3,000 calories a day, but the part I thought of as the diet was usually followed by gritting my teeth and holding my eating to about 2,000 calories a day. Once, a doctor "helped" me to diet and maintain my weight loss by adding 100 calories a day each week until I reached the point where I was beginning to gain weight, at which point I was supposed to have discovered my life-long maintenance calorie needs. I don't remember what that was, I don't think I ever got to that point before I lost my will power and broke out, and then, of course, went on another diet.

Although I knew that my first diet was only for nine days, before too many years had passed, I was dieting toward a goal weight, and had no idea how long it was going to take. And, each diet took longer. Three months was as nothing.

Every time I ate more than I thought I should, or gained any weight back, I felt guilty. I hated my lack of will power. I cursed the raging health of my body that was trying to get me out of starvation and get me safe. The normal, healthy need for calories to rebuild what I had starved off was seen as perverse and proof that I was a bad person. By me and by others, like my mother, my doctor, and society at large. The fact that my body fought for health and put that weight back on me was seen by all of us as proof that I was a bad person.

By the time I had stopped dieting, I was twice the weight that I had been when I started. My body has probably lost any hope of ever figuring out what I would have weighed had I not dieted and getting me back there.

And, of course, the world and I believed that I had been overeating. Hell, when I ate more than 1,200 calories a day I thought I had been overeating. That there was something fundamentally wrong with my moral fiber.

If you have ever dieted, how do these facts add up in light of your experience? If you have ever known anyone who has dieted, how do you see their experience now?

Recruitment poster courtesy Sandy Szwarc, Junkfood Science

A Spine!

2008-02-14T23:12:00.001-09:00

The House Dems have done it! Today they showed they have spines in two actions: first they approved contemt citations for Bolton and Miers.for refusing to produce documents and testify in the US Attorney firing case. Then, as The Washington Post posted Bush, GOP Rebuke House Democrats on Surveillance Bill on its on-line edition 6:30 p.m., ET,. they recessed for the week, allowing the Protect Americans Act, the current FISA bill to expire, resisting the pressure from the GOP and President Bush to add telecom immunity to their version of the new bill.

House Democrats left Washington today for a week-long recess without taking action on a terrorist surveillance bill set to expire Friday night, drawing theatrical protests from congressional Republicans and a sharp rebuke from President Bush***
Democrats are refusing to budge, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said that while key committee chairmen would stay in Washington to keep working on the issue, the rest of the House would be going home today.***
"the chamber will go into symbolic "pro forma" sessions rather than adjourn for the week. Senate Democrats have used similar sessions to prevent Bush from making controversial executive branch nominations during that chamber's recesses.

Since the Senate passed its own version of the surveillance law Tuesday, House Democrats have engaged in a fierce internal debate over how to proceed. They have become stuck on the question of whether to provide immunity to telecommunications companies that provided help to the government in surveillance operations.

Hill Republicans and Bush want the House to simply pass the Senate bill, but House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) said yesterday his chamber is "not a lap dog of the president or the United States Senate any more than they are of us."

And Pelosi reiterated that point today and accused Bush of "fearmongering" on the issue.

"President Bush tells the American people he has nothing to offer but fear," she said.
***
House Democrats are getting support for their decision from across the Capitol. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) sent Bush a letter today saying that Democrats "stand ready to negotiate a final bill,"
***"I regret your reckless attempt to manufacture a crisis over the reauthorization of foreign surveillance laws," Reid wrote. "Instead of needlessly frightening the country, you should work with Congress in a calm, constructive way to provide our intelligence professionals with all needed tools while respecting the privacy of law-abiding Americans."

The President has said that if this bill wasn't passed by Friday, the country would be defenseless against terrorists. And yet, he is the one who has stated that he will veto it if it is sent to him without retroactive immunity for the telecoms. That sounds, in my opinion, like either he is, once again, playing the fear card and trying to bully Congress into doing what he wants them to do or it is Bush who is willing to leave the American people unprotected. Either he knows very well that all current surveillance can go on for one year even without a new law and that the original 1978 FISA bill gives him all of the power he needs for lawful surveillance or he is more interested in protecting the telecom companies that helped him break the law and ignore the Fourth Amendment than in protecting the citizens of this country.

Once again, the eternal conundrum I face about Bush. Is he stupid or evil? And which is the more frightening prospect?

Image courtesy of Quadlings.com

Long Stem Rosette

2008-02-14T07:08:00.001-09:00

A present for Valentine's Day.

Explanation: The Rosette Nebula (aka NGC 2237) is not the only cosmic cloud of gas and dust to evoke the imagery of flowers. But it is the one most often suggested as a suitable astronomy image for Valentine's Day. Of the many excellent Rosette Nebula pictures submitted to APOD editors, this view seemed most appropriate, with a long stem of glowing hydrogen gas in the region included in the composition. At the edge of a large molecular cloud in Monoceros, some 5,000 light years away, the petals of this rose are actually a stellar nursery whose lovely, symmetric shape is sculpted by the winds and radiation from its central cluster of hot young stars. The stars in the energetic cluster, cataloged as NGC 2244, are only a few million years old, while the central cavity in the Rosette Nebula is about 50 light-years in diameter. Happy Valentine's Day!

Credit & Copyright: Adam Block (Caelum Observatory) and Tim Puckett

Two more posts today.

Zits

2008-02-14T07:01:00.001-09:00

I love Jeremy. He is so funny. And touching. There is simply something so coltish about teen aged boys. So worthy of admiration and yet in need of protecting. Just the best of the best.

Teen aged girls, too. They are so close to being adults, but not yet. So close to being children, but no longer. They make me go all protective and want to cheer them on at the same time.

What Comes After Snow

2008-02-14T01:00:00.006-09:00

Photo by Brian Wallace | Juneau Empire

And here we see what happens when you get lots of snow and then it gets warm and starts to rain. Deep puddles all over town. See the lovely snow? Color by car exhaust.

Water up to your floor boards and ugly snow. What a lovely city we seem to be today.

When I lived in Fairbanks, teaching Montessori,I wrote a song that I taught to my class. I posted it last March, but here it is again.

Springtime in Alaska
I love filthy, dirty snow.
I love to watch it melt and go.
I love icky, cruddy mud;
It's spring!

Snow melts in gray brown rivulets,
Exposing the butts of cigarettes,
Snow goes, here comes all the crud;
It's spring!

Mittens, hats, and scarves come off,
As our winter clothes we doff.
We've been wearing them a while;
It's spring!

Birds are hanging out in pairs,
It's time to go wake up the bears,
Courtship is suddenly in style;
It's spring!

FISA - One More Chance

2008-02-13T11:14:00.006-09:00

There still is time to do something about the FISA bill in its House version. I received an action alert from Credo Mobile requesting that I sign their petition to Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer to hold on the immunity issue in Conference with the Senate. Here is the link.

The Senate has rolled over and given Bush, Cheney and the big telecom companies exactly what they wanted -- immunity from prosecution for their wiretapping crimes. Now it's up to the House of Representatives to strip those provisions out of the bill.

Please take action on this issue using the link below:

http://act.credomobile.com/campaign/fisa_house?rk=hpwNfU7193HLW

Image courtesy The Beatles

FISA, Again

2008-02-13T07:08:00.000-09:00

Jill at Brilliant at Breakfast has posted The Bill And Capitol Hill Mine Disaster about the Senate's passage of the FISA bill, including telecom immunity. I had started a post myself, but after reading hers, there is nothing I could say that would be better than what she said.

Here are your 19 traitors (18, if you automatically expected Lieberman to side with his Butt Buddy George, 20 if you expected Hillary to miss another vote). Pay careful attention if any of these clowns represent your state and remember them the next time they're up for re-election.

Bayh (D-IN)
Carper (D-DE)
Conrad (D-ND)
Feinstein (D-CA)
Inouye (D-HI)
Johnson (D-SD) Perhaps Tim never completely recovered from his brain hemorrhage.
Kohl (D-WI)
Landrieu (D-LA) After Hurricane Katrina 2½ years ago, I can perfectly understand why Proud Mary would want to discharge her debt of gratitude to Lame Duck George.
Lieberman (ID-CT) There’s a fucking shock to my system.
Lincoln (D-AR)
McCaskill (D-MO) This one really hurts. The progressives of Missouri just voted her in and she pulls this shit.
Mikulski (D-MD) Another newcomer Democrat who stabbed us in the spine they don’t have.
Nelson (D-FL)
Nelson (D-NE) The Nelson Brothers strike again.
Pryor (D-AR)
Rockefeller (D-WV)
Salazar (D-CO)
Stabenow (D-MI)
Webb (D-VA) This one really hurts perhaps most of all. I was really beginning to think this former Republican piece of shit was for real.

Take those 19 Nays to strip immunity, turn them into Yeas, throw in a Yea from No Show Hillary and you have a 51-48 vote to complement the current House version that also does not grant immunity. Lindsey Graham, it ought to be noted, also did not vote. Why aren't we capable of hard-line party votes when it counts like the GOP?

And there you see why I find both parties repugnant. In addition to these Democrats who voted for telecom immunity, all of the Republicans did as well.

However, the following Democrats voted for the people and the Constitution.

YEAs ---31
Akaka (D-HI) Baucus (D-MT) Biden (D-DE) Bingaman (D-NM) Boxer (D-CA) Brown (D-OH) Byrd (D-WV) Cantwell (D-WA) Cardin (D-MD) Casey (D-PA) Dodd (D-CT)	Dorgan (D-ND) Durbin (D-IL) Feingold (D-WI) Harkin (D-IA) Kennedy (D-MA) Kerry (D-MA) Klobuchar (D-MN) Lautenberg (D-NJ) Leahy (D-VT) Levin (D-MI) Menendez (D-NJ)	Murray (D-WA) Obama (D-IL) Reed (D-RI) Reid (D-NV) Sanders (I-VT) Schumer (D-NY) Tester (D-MT) Whitehouse (D-RI) Wyden (D-OR)

If any of these Senators are yours, be sure to let them know that you appreciate their courage in standing for the Constitution they have sworn to protect. I've called each of the Democrats today and to thank or express my disappointment. I also called Stevens and Murkowski, the Senators from Alaska, not that their votes surprised me in the least.

E-mails are also good. Go to Senate.gov to find your own* Senators' phone numbers and e-mail addresses.

* As well as any others you might want to contact.

Graphic courtesy Tolles, Washington Post, 2006.

Men of The Sea

2008-02-13T07:01:00.001-09:00

The effects of cold weather are just amazing. Look at the ice on this boat. Can you imagine going out on the sea in conditions that would lead to something like this? No, I can't either. The people who do this impress the hell out of me. Just so we can eat cod! Good stuff, cod.

Erik Auger, a crewman aboard the fishing vessel Carlynn, uses a sledgehammer to break ice off the wheel house Monday at Aurora Basin boat harbor. Ice nearly two feet thick built up on the vessel as it fished for gray cod in Frederick Sound after a cold snap hit Southeast Alaska. Today's weather forecast calls for rain and a high temperature.

By Brian Wallace | Juneau Empire
Click to enlarge

And Again, Weather

2008-02-12T07:01:00.000-09:00

Here is Harris Harbor, very well snowed in. This picture was taken from the Juneau side, looks southwest to Douglas Island, with Admiralty Island in the far background.

So far this year the total snow fall is average, however we had less than normal through January and the first ten days of February have brought three more inches than the standard for the full month.

Yahoo sever weather alert says,

RISING TEMPERATURES COMBINED WITH RAINFALL ON THE SNOW PACK WILL CAUSE STANDING WATER TO FORM IN LOW LYING AREAS. DRAINAGE IN SOME LOCATIONS WILL BE HAMPERED BY AN ICE LAYER WELL BELOW THE SURFACE. EXPECT SOME LOCAL STREAMS TO BEGIN FLOWING WITH INCREASING WATER LEVELS.

RAINFALL ON SNOW WILL INCREASE THE WEIGHT OF THE SNOW LOAD. PERSONS SHOULD BEGIN TO REMOVE DEEP SNOW LAYERS FROM STRUCTURES WHERE INCREASED LOAD MAY BE A PROBLEM. BOAT OWNERS ARE ADVISED TO CLEAR SNOW FROM DECKS AND ENSURE THAT BILGE PUMPS ARE OPERABLE.
STANDING WATER THAT DEVELOPS ON ROADWAYS MAY ALSO BE A HAZARD. WATER OVER ICE WILL CAUSE SLICK SURFACES. SOME AREAS MAY EXPERIENCE FREEZE-THAW CYCLES WHERE STANDING WATER REFREEZES.

Doesn't that sound exciting? There are plans for my living room roof to be cleared, yet again, tomorrow. That will make three times in two weeks. The rest of my apartment has a pitched roof, but the living room is flat. And we don't really want it to collapse. At least I don't have to have bilge pumps!

By Brian Wallace / Juneau Empire

Canada Goose

2008-02-11T07:01:00.001-09:00

My friend Gawilli, over at Back in the Day, posted the other day on Canada Geese who have decided to be year round residents of Indiana and who are now so numerous that they have become a nuisance.

It isn’t unusual to see them haunting the parking lots in search of leavin’s from a populace that can’t seem to get the trash in the can. At times they are aggressive and have even been known to attack and nip those in close range.

Which reminded me of one day, when I was living in California and returned to my car in time to witness a very prospersous appearing gentleman, with silver hair and a suit that had to have cost $1,000 being forbidden entry to his BMW by a large, aggressive, Canada goose. The poor man had no idea how to deal with this, and was helplessly waving at the large bird and saying, "Shoo, goosey. Shoo, goosey. Please shoo, goosey."

Since we all live in such urban landscapes, we tend to forget such things as that geese are really aggressive birds. Some farmers have had watch geese, and they are as good at it as dogs ever were. Those necks are strong, the beaks are sharp, and they do not take to strangers. Very territorial birds, geese.

Fire & Ice

2008-02-10T14:06:00.000-09:00

Ice coat: Volunteer Capital City Fire and Rescue firefighter Sam Russell stands covered in ice as he puts out "hot spots" Saturday at Fisherman's Bend.

Test, Alan Suderman, photo Michael Penn / Juneau Empire
Click to enlarge.

I saw this in the paper this morning and it reminded me of my friend Bobby, who retired from the Fairbanks Fire Department as Battalion Chief. When he was with the FFD, they wrote a book called "Fairbanks Through The Smoke." There is one story from the 40s about fighting fires when the temperatures are below zero, and coming home with turnouts so frozen that the firefighters had to chip the ice off themselves and then lay down on the floor and have their wives pull them off of them -- it just wasn't possible to bend enough to do it themselves. It is amazing that people will do something like that. It shows just how incredible human beings can be and elicits my admiration.

Paper Trained

2008-02-10T07:00:00.000-09:00

This morning as I was going down my external stairs on my way out to breakfast, I was watching the lab across the street come outside to do her morning business. There is snow everywhere, some of it quite deep*. The poor dog was trying to find a place where she could squat without sinking up to her waist in cold, white stuff. And she reminded me of a puppy I knew in Fairbanks. She was adopted after the first snow of the fall. At first, of course, she was paper trained. Eventually she was old enough to go outside and it wasn't until spring that anyone realized that she had thought the snow was a big piece of newspaper. It wasn't until there was very little snow left, just a few patches under the birch tree in the back yard, that it became obvious that she thought she had to use the snow. As it melted and she could find less and less space, she became more and more anxious. Finally all of the snow was gone. She crossed her legs valiantly, but eventually she had to squat somewhere. You could see her concern that she was going to get in trouble and her relief when she didn't.

In the fall, when the snow came back, she was so happy. All of her life, I've been told, if there was snow, she would use it.

* The family car in her driveway has snow halfway up the tires and the roof is sporting a 12" blanket of white.

Photo courtesy Classicgiants.com

Zitsby Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman

2008-02-09T07:01:00.000-09:00

I love Jeremy, the teen hero of Zits. He is such a teen! Ackward physically and socially. Trying to be grown up, still needing his parents, confused by the changes happening to him and horrified that someone will find out that he isn't as cool as he wants to appear. This series was run a week or so ago, and I had to share it with you.

Winter Continues

2008-02-08T07:01:00.001-09:00

I thought you might like an update on our local weather. So, here is something from the Juneau Empire photo by Brian Wallace.

LOCAL Juneau Empire An avalanche slides down Mount Roberts on Wednesday above Thane Road. The state Department of Transportation and Public Facilities fired several avalanche-control shots with a 105-millimeter howitzer at the sites above the road.

And, from Yahoo, a severe weather alert:

POSSIBLE WINTER STORM OVER THE WEEKEND...

A STRONG WINTER STORM IS EXPECTED TO MOVE NORTHEAST INTO THE EASTERN GULF EARLY SATURDAY. THIS STORM WILL LIKELY TO BRING POSSIBLE HEAVY SNOWFALL...ESPECIALLY OVER THE SOUTHERN AND CENTRAL PANHANDLE SATURDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT. STRONG NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS COMBINED WITH BITTER COLD TEMPERATURES MAY PRODUCE WIND CHILLS OF 30 BELOW OR COLDER OVER THE FAR NORTHERN PANHANDLE. TAKU WINDS WILL ALSO LIKELY TO DEVELOP LATE FRIDAY NIGHT AND CONTINUING INTO SATURDAY IN THE DOWNTOWN JUNEAU AND DOUGLAS AREAS.

Not My Job

2008-02-08T00:54:00.000-09:00

For anyone who would like to go directly to Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald's appearance on Wait, Wait . . . Don't Tell Me and listen to him tell the tale of the "big-assed" spider as well as the rest of his very funny appearance on the Not My Job segment, just follow the link.

Photo courtesy of Dogdayrun.org

Raven

2008-02-07T07:03:00.000-09:00

I love ravens. They are so bright. And bold. And funny. Eagles are elegant and dignified and lovely. But raven gots cheek. And I loves cheek. Ravens are raucous. And I loves raucous. Raven is said, in this part of the country, to have brought the sun and stars and water and all good things after he created the world. I don't know about that part of it, but he certainly brought humor and fun.

Clearing the way

2008-02-06T22:01:00.000-09:00

A tug boat breaks up and pushes ice Monday in Gastineau Channel near Channel Drive. The crew of the tug cleared the ice for the Northland Services barge service. More cold weather is on the way, with highs in the teens forecasted for today and Thursday.

The thing about this photo is that the Gastineau Channel is sea water. Do you have any idea how cold it has to be for there to be ice floating on top of salt water? The Channel is entered by various creeks and the creek water is freezing on top of the ocean water as it hits.

Do click and enlarge this photo.

Photo: Brian Wallace. Text: Juneau Empire

KenjuNo, The Cold Didn't Interfere With The Turnout

2008-02-06T21:50:00.000-09:00

Brian Wallace / Juneau Empire

Big turnout: A portion of the standing-room-only crowd awaits the start of the Democratic caucus Tuesday at Centennial Hall.

Local Weather

2008-02-06T07:08:00.000-09:00

I thought you might like to see a couple of pictures from Tuesday's newspaper of the local snowfall.

Brian Wallace / Juneau Empire

Larry Buzzell points out the size of the snow berm Monday in front of his Riverside Drive home. Some Riverside Drive residents say they are tired of the city leaving giant berms of snow in the street blocking their driveways.

Brian Wallace / Juneau Empire

Kevin Nye clears snow Monday under the watchful eye of a bronze brown bear sculpture in front of the Macaulay Salmon Hatchery. Juneau received about 7 inches of snow in 24 hours, and a heavy snow warning was issued for Monday night

Gasp!

2008-02-05T07:03:00.000-09:00

I first heard about NPR's Wait, Wait. . .Don't Tell Me from Julie. She downloads it to her Ipod and listens to it while she walks the dog. She says that sometimes she laughs out loud and hopes other people walking along don't think she's nuts.

I thought about that as I was listening to The August 11, 2007 broadcast. The guest was Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald, of Animal Planet's "Emergency Vets: Interns" and he reported the following bit of nonsense. I have seldom laughed so hard in my life. It was so unexpected and told in such a droll voice. Follow the link and listen for yourself. Picture Julie walking Genevieve and the reactions other pedestrians might have to her reaction.

Dr. Fitzgerald reported that a man brought him a tarantula, and although he knows that a good vet isn't afraid of a patient, big spiders creep him out since they move funny, and it is worse when they have hair. He avoided the temptation to demand a phone book and squash the thing, but he was uncomfortable with it. When he asked what was wrong with the spider, he was told that he wasn't acting like himself -- he hadn't eaten for a couple of weeks and one of his legs had fallen off. Fitzgerald said that in his experience, when a spider's legs started to fall off, it was pretty sick. He referred the man to the Museum of Natural History to see Dr. Lick.

Before long, he got a call from Dr. Lick, "Did you send me this man with the big-assed spider? And did you tell him that in your experience when their legs start to fall off they are pretty sick? Well, if you had taken the time to examine him, you would have seen that he was, in fact, dead."

Image courtesy of villagewiki.pbwike.com

A Meme for A Monday

2008-02-04T07:01:00.000-09:00

Bridget Magnus over at Short Woman tagged me to do the following meme:

So here’s the rules of the Meme:
1. Pick up the nearest book ( of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

Since my computer is surrounded by books,* I reached out at random with my eyes closed and got How To Talk To Birds and other uncommon ways of enjoying nature the year round, by Richard C. Davis. And I found:

"I don't believe it's an urge to kill or even possess but to know and absorb the beauty of the animal. If a deer were to stand still so that a hunter might admire it in a way a botanist might admire a flower, there might be little deer-killing. Most hunters aren't bloodthirsty or even vain of their reputations as hunters."

* there is a shelf of books I haven't read yet above the monitor, another taking up the window seat, and a bookcase behind me.

And I'm going to tag:
Deja Pseu at Une femme d'un certain age
Cuppa at Brown Betty Brew
Chancy at Driftwood Inspiration
Kenju at IMAGINE WHAT I'M LEAVING OUT
and Autumn's Mom

Image courtesy John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Venus and Jupiter in Morning Skies

2008-02-03T07:01:00.000-09:00

I find myself busy with burst pipes under the kitchen sink and lots of water to mop up. So, instead of writing anything, here is a lovely picture to reward you for visiting. And reassure Julie that I'm fine.

Explanation: These two celestial beacons shining brightly in the east before sunrise are actually children of the Sun, the planets Venus and Jupiter. The second and third brightest objects in the sky at Night after the Moon, Venus and Jupiter appeared separated by about 2 degrees when this picture was taken on January 30th, but closed to within nearly half a degree early yesterday morning. In the serene foreground is the shoreline along the Miankaleh Peninsula and Gorgan Bay, an important bird and wildlife refuge in the southeastern Caspian Sea. Over the next two days, early morning risers around the globe will be able to enjoy a close pairing of Venus and Jupiter with an old crescent Moon.
From Astronomy Picture of the Day: NASA
Credit & Copyright: Babak Tafreshi (TWAN) Click to enlarge.

Hearts of Celery

2008-02-02T07:01:00.002-09:00

I've mentioned that I'm a touch compulsive about this and that. That shows up in putting groceries away in a number of ways, one of which is to clean and cut up vegetables before I put them in the crisper. When Richard and Julie were little, they knew that there would always be a container of cut up snacks in the crisper: celery, carrots, radishes, green onions, cauliflower, turnips, kohlrabi, cabbage. Whatever their little hearts might desire. The only thing I never cut up ahead of time was bell peppers, since they get slimy on the cut surface. At the same time, I would save parts of the vegies that would go in soup, such as celery leaves and scallion greens, in the freezer and clean the greens that came attached to kohlrabi for steaming. And, since I was being so virtuous and preparing the vegetables, I got to eat the celery heart*, my very favorite part of the entire lot, while I was cleaning and cutting.

When Julie was in high school, she took over putting the groceries away, which included the vegetable prep. I would go into the crisper to get a snack, and there wouldn't be any celery heart, but of course I accepted that now that Julie was doing the work, Julie got the reward.

I think Julie had been cleaning the celery on a weekly basis for well over a year before I walked into the kitchen and saw her run the celery heart down the disposal. That's when I discovered that Julie doesn't like celery and since she had never seen those luscious, pale green little stalks or the small section of the heart in the drawer, she thought that they weren't edible. For well over a year, the best part of the celery had been going down the disposal. It broke my heart. It still does.

* Just looking at the picture of those tender stalks makes my mouth water. Luckily I'm going to shopping right after breakfast, and I can get some.
Image: Cookthink.com

Smokeyville Towers

2008-02-01T07:01:00.000-09:00

I mentioned that Julie and Richard had all sorts of construction toys when they were little. There were the standards, like Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs and Legos and Erector sets and various other block sets and building things I've since forgotten.

They had a huge Lego set, the largest sold at the time, which never looked like this because I'm a little compulsive and I would go in and sort the blocks by color into the little compartments. I didn't expect them to keep them that way, but it pleased me when they opened the box to see everything laid out in order. Like my thread board. Like Sheldon cleaning Penny's apartment.

One of my favorites was the Crystal Climbers. They were so pretty, with their transparent colored pieces.

Julie and Richard would get out all of their construction toys and make these wonderful play scapes across my living room. A Lincoln Log fort, a Crystal Climber castle. Highways of Hot Wheel tracks. Industrial centers of Erector sets. State fairs of Tinker Toys.

A final touch that they added, were dozens of Pringle cans. Since I seldom bought potato chips*, they canvassed the neighborhood, asking people who bought Pringles to save the cans for them.These were added to the project to create "Smokeyville Towers".****

* When I moved out of that house, my mother and sister helped me pack, doing some of it while I was at work. The kids had decided that they didn't need as many Pringles cans, and were throwing out some of them. My mother called me at the office to tell me that I was never going to be thin** if I ate that many potato chips! And when I told Forrest about it, he told me that was what I could expect if I let Mama know anything about my business***.

** Once, when the kids mentioned to her that I had taken them out for banana splits (I, honest to God, had a cup of coffee! Being "good"!), she told me I would never get thin eating banana splits! I hadn't had one in over a decade, but as soon as I left her house I went right out and scarfed one down!

*** I had been so foolish because this was the first time I had lived in the same town as Mama in the ten years since I was 16.

**** Named after Smokey Bear, Julie's true and constant companion since she was 15 months old. She still has a Smokey and the tattered remains of a Smokey that her dog Samantha chewed up.

Photos courtesy:
Tinker Toys, uh.edu;
Lincoln Logs, Gamerevolution.com
Legos and Crystal Climbers, Family Resource Network
Pringles, Pringlestower.invectory.com

Monopoly

2008-01-31T07:03:00.000-09:00

When Julie and Richard were children, we played a lot of board games. Every year for Christmas, in addition to gifts that they received as individuals, they always received one or two board games.* We started with Sorry when Richard was four, using the games to learn to count and then to add. Eventually, we used Yahtzee dice to play Sorry, using the color of the larger number to decide whether this move would be decided by addition, subtraction, multiplication, or division. It led to interesting games and the kids learning basic math in an enjoyable way.

Julie was at a disadvantage to Richard for some time, because in the early years two years difference in age can really affect how well you do math and strategy. But, not for long. Julie's desire to do things as well as Richard did them led her to play games to win.

Except when my parents came to Fairbanks to visit. Julie couldn't stand the thought of her grandmother losing. So I was treated to the delightful spectacle of Julie trying to lose to her grandmother, while her grandmother was trying to lose to her.

* as well as items like the large box of Legos or other construction toys that I could not afford two of although they both liked them. The rule was whichever child took the toy from the shelf could decide wether to play alone or with the sibling. However, the other child got to decide if the first child could play exclusively with only one or more of the jointly owned toys. Usually what would happen was they would share playing with a number of construction toys. Some marvelous things were built on my living room floor.

Images courtesy of World of Monopoly
Spilling the Beans
Construction Toy.com

Helping a Neighbor

2008-01-30T10:02:00.000-09:00

Being down about Edwards dropping out of the race, I decided to post something to cheer us all up. This is from one of my favorite The Big Bang Theory episodes. Enjoy.

And here we have, Is Sheldon a Robot?

Strong Winds

2008-01-30T07:03:00.000-09:00

I'm going to give you a couple of pictures and some text from yesterday's newspaper this morning. As you can see, we have been having a little wind up here in the frozen north.

Wind and frigid temperatures wreaked havoc on the Alaska Marine Highway System this weekend and toppled more than two dozen 11,000 pound shipping containers at Alaska Marine Lines near downtown.

An avalanche comes down Mount Roberts toward Thane Road at about 8:20 a.m. Monday. The avalanche, reportedly caused by high winds, did not block the road.

Photos: Early morning avalanche
Courtesy of Annette Smith; Winds knock over 11,000-pound shipping containers By Kim Marquis. Text, Juneau Empire

Signposts to Sanity

2008-01-29T07:01:00.001-09:00

Wherein your ever lovin' Granny points out other people's stuff to you.

Let's use the signpost with the crooked trail today, since we are dealing with politics.

Think Progress has posted Fact Check the State of the Union should you like to compare statements to facts.

We can cheer for another step taken in the right direction concerning the FISA bill on Monday at Fiery FISA Debate Dominating Senate: GOP Bill Fails Cloture by Steve Benen. It seems that the public spoke. I made my calls on Sunday, because I wasn't certain of when it was coming to a vote and the four hour time difference between D.C. and Alaska and the further down the list I got, the more I was running into voice mailboxes that were already full.

And there needs to be concern for the polar bears when we read Joe Connolly's Bush Moves On Alaska about how the declaration of the polar bear as endangered is being delayed until after their habitat is opened for oil drilling while our eyes are on the economy.

Update Life in Juneau. So, everyone in the building left the cold water dripping and when we got up on Monday discovered that the water pipe leading into the hot water heater had frozen. Luckily nothing broke, but it took 24 hours to thaw it and get hot water back. Luckily I once lived on a homestead, so I know how to boil water on the stove to do dishes with.

Clear Skies

2008-01-28T07:00:00.000-09:00

The sky has been absolutely clear for the last two days. Not a cloud to be seen. Which means that it is what Yahoo weather describes as "bitterly cold". January and February are not months when you really want to see blue skies in this part of the world.

The temperature has been between +5º and 0º F. But the wind has been blowing, with gusts up to 50 mph. Which gives us a wind chill factor of -20º at times. Indeed, bitterly cold.

And, of course, the price of heating fuel has gone up. Mine is included in my rent. There are four apartments in my building, one of which the landlady lives in. So, three paying rentals. The fuel bill has been running $600 a month more than it was last year. And that was before this cold snap. The landlady has raised our rent, but only $50 a month. That doesn't put a dent in the heating bill. So, we are all trying to conserve. Keep the heat low. Wear layers. Yesterday I was wearing a long tee-shirt nightgown under a long flannel nightgown under a terry cloth robe. Sit under a lap blanket, with a heating pad on behind my back. And slipper socks. If I dress like this when it's +20º outdoors, I can save some money. But at these temperatures, the heater was on all day. When I came upstairs, I turned the thermostat down from 65º to 55º. Perhaps it cycled off during the night, but I doubt it.

And, for those of you who have never lived in the cold, this also means that I have to leave the kitchen and the bathroom faucet dripping so the pipes don't freeze. Frozen pipes mean broken pipes (ice expands) and big messes and plumbing bills. Not good.

Click photo to enlarge.

Drop A DimeA Call to Action

2008-01-27T09:08:00.000-09:00

The FISA bill has started moving in the Senate. Senators Obama, Clinton, McCain, and Graham have not gone to Washington to vote on this bill, which would strip American citizens of their First and Fourth Amendment rights and grant retroactive immunity to the telecommunications corporations who have been spying on us at the request of President Bush since before 9/11. In all likelihood, this bill will be voted on tomorrow. In order to support Senator Dodd in his filibuster, in addition to the Senators who are currently standing with him, three of the Democrats who voted against the Senate Judiciary Committee proposal, which would strip immunity from the bill and protect American citizens and the Constitution, would have to change their vote and Clinton and Obama would have to return and stand with Dodd in reality, as they have said they do in principle. Here are their numbers, so that you can call them again: Obama (202) 224-2854, Clinton (202) 224-4451. These two senators have a unique opportunity to show us just how important they believe the Constitution is. They have the opportunity to stand and protect it and us. If they can not do this, what kind of president would they make?

Here are the Democrats who voted against the SJC proposal:

Bayh (202) 224-5623

Carper (202) 224-2441

Inouye (202) 224-3934

Johnson (202) 224-5842

Landrieu (202)224-5824

McCaskill (202) 224-6154

Mikulski (202) 224-4654

Nelson (FL) (202) 224-5274

Nelson (NE) (202) 224-6551

Pryor (202) 224-2353

Salazar (202) 224-5852

If any of these Senators represents you, call them. Indeed, I am calling all of them, although none of them represent me. Their offices are not open over the weekend, but you can leave a message on their voice mail. They need to know that we expect them to fulfil their oaths of office and protect the Constitution. They need to know that we do not buy the idea that we must trade freedom for security. They need to know that we are aware that this has been going on since before 9/11 and that it didn't prevent that attack. They need to know that we are watching them.

And they need to know that no one is above the law.

Sushi

2008-01-27T07:03:00.000-09:00

Sandy Szwarc, over at Junkfood Science, posted Fishy sushi scares on Friday. In it she discusses the latest fear-du-jour, the "study" by the New York Times on the mercury levels in fish. In a scenario that will surprise no one who reads Sandy's breath of fresh air blog, the story that was published by the Times bears little resemblance to the actual meaning of the results.

In fact, there has never been a case of an American eating so much fish as to be harmful. The only cases in the scientific literature of mercury poisoning from fish and subsequent neurological problems — a fact confirmed by Dr. Thomas Clarkson, a toxicologist at the University of Rochester School of Medicine — were the result of an industrial mercury spill in Minamata Bay, Japan in the 1950s, which resulted in fish with methylmercury levels 40 to 1,000 times higher than the fish Americans, and most people around the globe, eat. These tragic poisonings first pointed out that at extremely high exposures, mercury was a neurotoxin and might affect the developing fetus.

In other words, we don't have to be afraid of eating fish. Glad to hear it. Living in Southeast Alaska, where the regional cuisine is fresh from the sea, I not only enjoy eating salmon, halibut, and crabs of all types, but friends make their living by fishing. I would hate to have to worry the next time I get the urge for Dungeness almost as much as I would hate my friends to have to go out of business. Commercial fishing is one of the most dangerous professions in the world. The reward for risking your life on a continual basis shouldn't be that some study is incorrectly reported so that people are afraid of what you take those chances to bring to their tables.

In her post, Sandy provided a link to Sushi Etiquette

(Fingers)
When you eat by your fingers, pick up a piece of nigiri at the both side with your two fingers, thumb and middle, and simultaneously lift up the far side top to this side by the index finger, and turn it upside down. Then dip the fish side to soy sauce, and next, twist your wrist to turn the fish side up and face to you. Alternatively do as the same way as by chopsticks. To eat, bring the nigiri to your mouth, throw it into your mouth in a way that the fish side touches on your tongue, and this is a recommendable direction in nigiri-eating.

Notice that one is recommended to throw the entire piece of sushi into one's mouth. This is where I have a problem. I don't have a very big mouth. I seek out dentists with small hands. And I have always bitten the sushi in half. Now I discover this is rude.

What to do, what to do. Shall I continue to be rude? Shall I fill my mouth to my eardrums when I eat sushi in a mannerly manner? Should I explain to the waiter that I'm not being rude on purpose and I'm not ignorant, I just can't eat the thing whole? Will it taste as good if my mouth is so full my taste buds are shoved down? I was better off before I knew this little tidbit. When I thought that the only reason the other people in the restaurant were eating their sushi in one bite because they had bigger mouths.

Sushi pictograph and photo, courtesy Sushi Encyclopedism. Crab dkimages.com

Non Sequitur

2008-01-26T07:01:00.000-09:00

Sometimes the truth of something is so incredibly obvious that it just jumps out at me and yells, "Share this!"

And so, I do.

Click to enlarge.

Weather Update

2008-01-25T08:58:00.000-09:00

Well, we are expecting a lot of snow today. Between seven and 13 inches, according to Yahoo. And, continuing snow off and on for the next week. At the moment* it is falling heavily and the plow just went by for the third time this morning. The Hooligans are fascinated. I'm rather enjoying it myself.

* 9:00 A.M. Alaska Standard Time.

Image courtesy wunderground.com. Click to enlarge

What I've Learned So Far

2008-01-25T07:03:00.000-09:00

Deja Pseu over at Une femme d'un certain age has tagged me for a meme. Lessons in Hindsight So, this is the advise I would give to my 20 year old self if I could go back in time.

1. People walking down the street are too busy worrying about their own lives to give much thought to you. There is no need to be so damned self-conscious.

2. It came to pass. Whether it is good or bad, it will most likely pass. So enjoy the good stuff while it is here and relax about the rest of it. By the time that child is 35, she will have learned to tie her shoes. And she won't be living with you and available for the random hug.

3. There is no one road to happiness. Perhaps you'll do it the standard way, perhaps you won't. The same for your kids. The well marked path may be much more boring.

4. Question authority. About everything Trust your own experience. If your experience isn't the same as what you're told it should be, the problem may not be you. It may well be the advice.

5. If you've tried to do something twice and it hasn't worked, you need to try something else. Sometimes anything else would work.

6. Trust yourself. You really do know what you are feeling and whether you like someone or not and when you are hungry. You are who you are and that's good. You are supposed to get angry when people do cruel things. You are supposed to feel sad when you lose something or someone you value. You are supposed to come first once in a while. You are supposed to get older and have gray hair. And you are supposed to be round.

7. Laugh. A lot. Laughter heals a wondrous lot of problems. And it leaves nicer lines on your face.

8. Sometimes if you just hang in there long enough, the person who is driving you crazy will leave. When that happens, you've won. There you still are in the situation you love and there they are, gone.

9, Sometimes if you hang in there waiting for them to leave, they don't. The trick is to figure out which time this is and just how crazy the person is driving you.

10, You reap what you sow. Be kind. Be honest. Look for the good in people.

11. Diets make you fatter. All of them. Always. The more you go on, the fatter you get.

I'm not going to tag people on this one. If you want to do it, feel free. Let me know so I can see what wisdom you have gleaned over the years.

Two Women in a Garden by Kasimir Malevich

Andromeda Island Universe

2008-01-24T07:01:00.000-09:00

This photo from The Astronomy Picture of the Day, courtesy of NASA, is so lovely that I had to share it. And, since I'm working on a post for tomorrow or the next day, I'm using it as my "checking in so Julie knows I'm OK" post for today. Do click and enlarge -- the bigger it is, the more you can see.

Explanation: The most distant object easily visible to the unaided eye is M31, the great Andromeda Galaxy some two and a half million light-years away. But without a telescope, even this immense spiral galaxy - spanning over 200,000 light years - appears as a faint, nebulous cloud in the constellation Andromeda. In contrast, a bright yellow nucleus, dark winding dust lanes, gorgeous blue spiral arms and star clusters are recorded in this stunning telescopic digital mosaic. While even casual skygazers are now inspired by the knowledge that there are many distant galaxies like M31, astronomers seriously debated this fundamental concept only 80 years ago. Were these "spiral nebulae" simply outlying components of our own Milky Way Galaxy or were they instead "island universes" -- distant systems of stars comparable to the Milky Way itself? This question was central to the famous Shapley-Curtis debate of 1920, which was later resolved by observations of M31 in favor of Andromeda, island universe.

Credit & Copyright: Tony Hallas

Your Constitution Needs You

2008-01-23T12:16:00.000-09:00

Glenn Greenwald at Salon.com has posted about the upcoming Senate vote on the FISA/Protect America Act. The last time this came up, Senator Dodd led a "silent filibuster" which delayed it. Now it is time, once again. Harry Reid, no surprise to me any longer, is not fighting for our constitutional rights here. He is making threatening noises to Dodd, Feingold, et al about forcing them to actually filibuster, rather than the "silent filibuster" (if we don't have 60 votes, we just won't vote on it and the GOP doesn't have to really talk about it) that he has granted the GOP since 2006. There is no need to pass this bill this week, or ever. If it is not passed, the FISA law that has held previously, the one that honored the Fourth Amendment and your privacy rights, will continue to allow the government to protect us from terrorists in a lawful manner. However, Reid seems to be bent on giving Bush whatever he wants, despite his 28% popularity and the wishes of the people. This is not what we elected a Democratic majority for.

So, please read the following excerpt from Glenn Greenwald and call your Senators, Harry Reid, and the senators who worked with Dodd last time. Tell them how you feel about this. Now is the time for all good people to come to the aid of freedom.

When the FISA/Protect America Act legislative debate resumes, the bill (S.2248) will already be pending on the floor. The cloture vote on the motion to proceed on 12/17/07 was a vote of 76-10. (See here for specifics on votes.) The pending matter, as I read the procedural ins and outs from the close of debate, will be the SJC substitute bill, but I have a call in to the Senate Parliamentarian to clarify on this, and I'll certainly let you know what I hear if different.

For the record, "Not Voting" is just not good enough.

And neither is sitting this one out for any of us. So, let's get to work. Congress is about to take yet another recess -- but I'm hearing there may be a procedural maneuver in the works for tomorrow, whether a 30 day extension of the Protect America Act or something else. It is critical that we let members of Congress know that we are paying attention and that this issue matters to all of us.

The Constitution needs your voice today -- so please, call your Senators and let them know that retroactive immunity and a breach of the 4th Amendment are not acceptable. Tell them to stand up for the rule of law -- because THAT is their job and you expect leaders not rubber stamps. The time for leadership is now.

Senate phone numbers are here; and Sen. Harry Reid's phone number is: (202) 224-3542. And Sen. Mitch McConnell's phone number is: (202) 224-2541 -- tell him national security and the rule of law should never be used as a political football, and that taking political marching orders from Rove is so 2002.

We should focus first on the 14 Senators who promised to help Sens. Dodd and Feingold. Here are their fax and phone numbers:

Name

Fax

Phone

Feingold (202) 224-2725 (202) 224-5323

Dodd (202) 224-1083 (202) 224-2823

Obama (202) 228-4260 (202) 224-2854

Sanders (202) 228-0776 (202) 224-5141

Menendez (202) 228-2197 (202) 224-4744

Biden (202) 224-0139 (202) 224-5042

Brown (202) 228-6321 (202) 224-2315

Harkin (202) 224-9369 (202) 224-3254

Cardin (202) 224-1651 (202) 224-4524

Clinton (202) 228-0282 (202) 224-4451

Akaka (202) 224-2126 (202) 224-6361

Webb (202) 228-6363 (202) 224-4024

Kennedy (202) 224-2417 (202) 224-4543

Boxer (415) 956-6701 (202) 224-3553

Even if you have never called a Senator before, take the time to call these. This is a vitally important issue.

Big Cat

2008-01-23T10:07:00.000-09:00

This never happened in the Serengeti: Luke interrupts his gnawing to study the odd white flakes falling softly on the Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington.

Photo and text courtesy SFGate.com

Merry and Pippin have been sitting in the window this morning watching it snow. Like the lion, they also are caged and enjoy watching something different happen. They also like to watch the rain, particularly when we have a good, strong wind along with it. And they love to watch birds. Since the eagles and ravens that fly near my place are very large birds, they watch them with a great deal of interest.

We don't expect much snow today -- the trucks have come by and sanded the road, but unless something unexpected happens there will not be any need for the plows. Just enough snow to make things look pretty. The mountains across the channel on Douglas Island look like God has been sifting powdered sugar over them. And the snow is already melting on the roof across the street. Like Merry, Pippin, and Luke, I enjoy watching it come down.

Blog For Choice

2008-01-22T07:03:00.000-09:00

As I started this post, I decided to review what I had written last year. And what I discovered was that last year I said exactly what I wanted to say and exactly what I still want to say. I can't say it better, and I have nothing to add or subtract,.so here it is again.

I have already told you about when my grandmother in California had given birth to five children in six years and wrote to her brother in Ohio, the doctor, asking how to prevent any more pregnancies. He wrote and gave her the information, but the first sentence in his letter was, "Memorize this information and then burn this letter because I could go to prison for telling you this."

Until my grandmother had that information, she had no choice, no control over her body and life at all. My grandfather was fated to work harder and harder and provide less for more children. Not being able to decide these very personal issues is less than freedom.

I worked for 12 years teaching parenting skills to parents who either had their children in foster care or were in danger of the state placing them there. I saw all sorts of horrible things and heard of even worse than I saw. The abuse that is heaped on children when their parents resent them is unbelievable. The unintended neglect that occurs when a girl has a child when she is too young can put the child's life at risk.

It is not good for children to be born when their parents resent them or are unable to care for them properly. Choice has to be available. For those of us who would like to see as few abortions as possible, the need is great to give people full information on how to prevent pregnancy, and abortion needs to be available for when birth control fails.

I came of age before Roe v. Wade and I remember friends seeking out the name of a doctor in Mexico. That assumed the girl could get her hands on the money to go to Mexico. Many couldn't. Just because abortion was illegal, that didn't mean that poor girls didn't have them. It just meant that they sought them out in dark alleys and often died because the procedure had been botched.

The current direction of this administration is to work to outlaw abortion and birth control both. Plan B was kept off the market for much too long, although it does not cause abortions. The people who kept it off the market knew the truth about it. They teach abstinence only sex education and post the lie that abortions cause breast cancer on government websites. This is not a desire to protect women, it is a desire to control them.

And it isn't belief in the sanctity of life. People who refuse to teach teens how to avoid AIDS and other diseases don't consider the life of those teens as sacred. People who send other people's children to die don't consider the lives of those children sacred. People who drop bombs on other countries don't consider the lives of those people sacred. People who refuse to fund stem cell research, who value the "life" of an embryo which is going to be thrown away if it isn't used over the life of someone who has already been born, don't consider the lives of the born sacred. People who would rush to Washington to sign a bill to prevent a husband from being able to allow his brain dead wife to die in peace but don't bother to cut a vacation short while New Orleans is drowning don't value life.

God alone knows what these people value, but it isn't life. The sanctity of life doesn't end at birth. A few cells are not more valuable than a living woman or her husband or her other children.

Bound & Gagged

2008-01-21T10:24:00.000-09:00

True friendship

Click to enlarge..

What I Learned When I Gave Up Dieting

2008-01-20T08:34:00.000-09:00

Here it is, the middle of January, and diet season is in full swing. Everywhere I go, I hear people discussing how they are losing weight this time.* Some are counting one thing, some are counting another. Some are eating the food some program is willing to sell them. Some are modifying their lifestyle. And, of course, Weight Watchers is advertising that "Diets don't work. Weight Watchers does." Totally ignoring the fact that Weight Watchers is a diet and has horrible long term results. Ah, so nice to be free of all of the nonsense. To simply eat when I'm hungry, whatever it is that I'm hungry for, and stop not when the measuring cup is empty but when I'm satisfied.

It does, however, bring back memories of all the yeas when I did diet, when I had these strange rules for how I ate that were supposed to take off the pounds and not let them creep back on. Before I let myself out of the cage and discovered that I didn't have to live that way.

I used to never buy "forbidden foods"** when I did my grocery shopping. I couldn't bring them into the house via car. The rule*** was, any forbidden foods I had to walk home carrying. 20 blocks, ten of them uphill. If I wanted ice cream, I had to really work for it.

Another rule was, only enough for now. Once I got it home, I had to finish it all that episode. I can remember climbing the hill with a muffin, a pint of ice cream, a package of peanuts, and a couple of doughnuts and then eating the whole lot of it in one sitting, although I wasn't hungry after the first. But, I could only eat it if I ate it now, so I certainly didn't enjoy most of it.

I kept my butter in the freezer. If I wanted anything with butter, I had to wait while it thawed. Once I stopped doing this, I discovered that the bread lasted longer! It seems that, when I had to wait for the butter before I could have a slice of sourdough French bread, as long as it was thawed I might as well eat several. Once it was always thawed, I discovered that sometimes I only wanted half a slice!

There were many, many more rules, but since I gave up this nonsense in 2000, I don't remember what they were off hand. However, these days my house is full of formerly forbidden foods, and I have discovered that if there is plenty I have no need to eat it all. Particularly if it is obvious that I can't eat it all, I can eat much less. The more there is, the less I have to eat. Rather like when my mother was in high school and worked in a candy store and was allowed to eat all the candy she wanted. Soon, she was going weeks without any candy because she didn't want it.

When I first gave up dieting, I went out and bought formerly forbidden food like there was no tomorrow. Five pounds each of seven kinds of nuts. All sorts of candy. Chips of every kind. Crackers. Cheese. Salami, spare ribs, bacon. Bread! Doughnuts. Pie. Cake. Ice cream. I brought six gallons of ice cream into my house at one time. At the same time I brought in all the rest of this list. At first I would have five scoops of ice cream with toppings and nuts and banana. Daily. For dinner. Or breakfast. Then it was less. Before very long at all, it was one scoop plain. Now, sometimes I have a single scoop. Sometimes I have two scoops and topping. Sometimes I have a single spoon. Mostly I have none. I go months without having ice cream, because I don't want it. It is the same with all of the formerly forbidden food. I let myself eat it and eventually I didn't want it. At first I gained about ten pounds, since I no longer weigh myself I'm not sure how much, but all of my clothes still fit. Then that weight came back off. I was having a bowl of nuts and candy for a meal. I had spareribs at least once a week for over two years. I let myself have all of the things that I had denied myself for so long.

And then, as I no longer needed to eat all of these things all of the time, I began to discover things I had never known about them before. Like, cheese turns green. Nuts go rancid. Ice cream gets crystals in it. Salami grows white "hair". Bread and doughnuts and crackers and chips get stale. I had never had any of that food in my house long enough for it to spoil, but spoil it does. So, now I buy smaller amounts. Instead of five pounds of cashews, I buy the small can. And often have to throw out most of the can because it has gone rancid.

And, once I no longer needed to eat all of the formerly forbidden stuff, I discovered that I really like tomatoes. I ate some form of raw tomato every day for well over two years. I love produce more than anything else. I stock up on fruit, and it does not go bad. Spare ribs are too fatty for my taste. One day I looked up on the top shelf, and there was a package of Oreos that was over four years old and unopened! Also, a virgin box of almond roca. Unopened and stale peanut brittle.

Amazing. If I'm not trying to discipline myself about food, I don't need the discipline.

Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to be free of food obsessions? To not be afraid of doughnuts and pecans and a slice of bread and butter? To take a couple of slices of my birthday cake home from Kathy and Richard's?

* The fact that it is this time doesn't seem to cause them to question whether or not diets work.
** And the list of forbidden foods was long. It seemed to include everything a person would ever want to eat, except produce.
*** And, boy, did I have rules!

Update
Great minds travel the same roads sometimes. My friend Deja Pseub, over on Une d'un certain age has posted Finding myself through food today. It is well worth reading.

Starry Night Castle

2008-01-19T07:03:00.000-09:00

Starry Night Castle
Credit & Copyright: P-M Hedén

Explanation: The tantalizing Pleiades star cluster seems to lie just beyond the trees above a dark castle tower in this dramatic view of The World at Night. Recorded earlier this month, the starry sky also features bright star Aldebaran below the Pleiades and a small, faint, fuzzy cloud otherwise known as Comet Holmes near picture center at the top of the field. Starry Night Castle might be an appropriate name for the medieval castle ruin in the foreground. But its traditional name is Mörby Castle, found north of Stockholm, near lake Skedviken in Norrtälje, Sweden.

NASA's web site has some of the loveliest pictures I've ever seen. Here is one for you to enjoy.

picture and text, NASA.gov Astronomy Picture of the Day

Storm

2008-01-18T10:01:00.000-09:00

I'm being lazy today, so here is a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge in a storm. From SFGate.com, by Mark Costantini.

Were The Puritans Puritanical?

2008-01-17T17:15:00.000-09:00

Rain left a comment on my post More Lessons From The Puritans that I have been thinking about. She said,

I think though there is another side which led to denial of natural bodily needs, seeing nudity as sexual sin, suffering being godly, etc. ***I suspect I am too old to change my prejudice that Puritanism is why America still has some of the 'wrong' (in my mind) attitudes toward many natural things-- like being gay. As an artist, I deal with the prejudices against depicting the nude figure even today

Rain said more, but this is the part I have been thinking about most. I looked up Puritanical, and from The Free Dictionary by Farlex, the definition is:

Adj. 1. puritanical - of or relating to Puritans or Puritanism

2. puritanical - exaggeratedly proper; "my straitlaced Aunt Anna doesn't approve of my miniskirts"

Which would seem to imply that according to common usage, the term does mean false body modesty. That bugaboo so many of us had to fight to overcome. Sexually repressed. The stuff I learned at St Mary of the Palms, the Catholic boarding school I attended. The school where I was taught, at the age of six, to take a bath in an over sized tee shirt to "cover your shame." Mama tells me that when I came home, I would not get undressed in front of anyone because "Sister says it isn't modest." Which, I suppose it isn't. However, since I had no such notions when I left my Puritan descended family to go to St Mary's, you can probably guess I associated them with the Catholic church. So, I double checked Fischer's book, Albion's Seed and discovered this paragraph:

The general pattern of sexual attitudes -- strong encouragement of sexual love and sensual bonds within marriage, strict punishment of fornication and adultery, a maniacal horror of unnatural sex, and rigid taboos against contraception within marriage -- was in its totality unique to New England. By and large, the culture was not a system of sexual tyranny and repression. The sex ways of Massachusetts rested upon an intensity of moral and religious purpose which marked so many aspects of this culture*.

If Puritans repressed what they considered unnatural, which would include homosexuality but not the body itself, where did the repressed view of the human body and sex come from? It seems it was more Victorian than Puritanical. Looking at the pictures here of the somber Puritan and the gaily dressed Victorians, one would suppose the opposite.

It was the Victorians who held that women shouldn't enjoy sex and a woman who did was immoral. It was the Victorians who called the bull a "gentleman cow" and legs "limbs" and the chicken breast "white meat" and legs "drum sticks" and "dark meat". They put skirts on tables and chairs and pianos so that men would not see their legs and have sexual thoughts about women, who also had legs. It was the Victorians who considered a glimpse of ankle extremely provocative. Not only were the Victorians sexually repressed, they suffered the things that go along with it. Hypocrisy was rife. This was the age of Jack the Ripper. Prostitution, including child prostitution, was part of the hidden world of Victorian England. Stories are told of upstanding Victorian gentlemen paying for a child prostitute, only to discover when the girl was delivered that she was their own daughter, kidnapped that very afternoon. It was a world with an ugly side.

And the idea of the virtue of chastity, far from being Puritan,** was Catholic.And the ancient Romans and Greeks were shocked at the prudishness of the Hebrews -- one of the sources of the idea that homosexuality was unnatural.

So, we can see that part of the common idea of Puritanical is indeed from Puritans, but much of it is from the Victorians and part from the Catholics and part from the ancient Jews and part undoubtedly from other sources as well. And the Victorian ideas are not founded in a religion, but rather with one woman.

* Fischer, Albion's Seed, Page 93.
** One Puritan elder decreed that life with a bad woman was better than life with no woman.
Photos: Victorian, courtesy Victorian Life
Puritan Woman, courtesy Susan Ditto, 2004

More Lessons from the Puritans

2008-01-15T07:00:00.000-09:00

As I start the third section of Fischer's book, Albion's Seed, there are a few more things I discovered about how my Puritan ancestors influenced my family and our country down the ages that I would like to mention.

The idea that education should be provided for all and that it is the path to success originated in the Massachusetts colony. As did the idea that food should be nourishing, but mainly plain, with the exception of pies and cakes.

Business wear is still influenced by the idea of plain clothes in what the Puritans called "sadd" colors -- neutrals. They brought two sports to America. Football, which in Puritan England was played by the entire town, including women, children, and elders. And baseball. The Puritan idea of sport was that it was good for the body, the soul, and the community.

The Puritan work ethic went beyond the idea that work is good for the soul and proper to humanity (as opposed to the Cavalier ideal of being above it all). It also included the idea that goods had a proper price, which was fair. The idea of buy low and sell high was foreign to the Massachusetts settlers. If there was a problem which caused the cost of production and delivery to raise, that cost was for the producer to deal with, and not by raising the price of the goods.

In Massachusetts, there were very few slaves and almost as few servants. Puritans hired "help" and treated them as equals. The help ate at the table with their employers. The very idea of employment being a fair trade of labor for money originated with these people.

Time was something that was supposed to be improved. Work, worship, healthy play, time spent with family and friends, all were ways to improve time. (Unlike the Cavalier south, where time was to be spent.) Modest wealth was a sign that God was pleased with you, but too great a difference between the richest and poorest was not God's plan and was actively discouraged. When land was distributed to settlers, it ran between 20 and 40 acres, depending on what the individual could improve. (In the south, there were original plantations of around 20,000 acres -- balanced by some freemen having up to 40 acres, and most people having none.) Unlike Virginia, Massachusetts did not favor differences in rank. Equality has its roots in this colony, and in the counties in England that sent settlers to it.

The Puritans believed in the sanctity of the home. They settled in towns and neighborhoods. People came together in communities and associations. (And in the south, they spread out in isolated plantations.) Massachusetts valued order, and had a remarkably low crime rate. In the south, the custom of the landed gentry appointing a sheriff who represented their property rights was continued from the old country; in the north, a constable was elected by the people of the community and was concerned with maintaining order for all settlers. Government was by town meeting and selectmen already before they left East Anglia. Most selectmen had gray hair, due to the reverence for age. The Massachusetts Poor Laws, which were the roots of modern liberalism, guaranteed each individual freedom from want and fear.

Altogether, the Puritans had a strong effect and a good one on the direction that the country as a whole, including my family, followed.

A Fair Puritan by E. Percy Moran, Library of Congress

Where We StartedWhere We Came

2008-01-14T07:08:00.000-09:00

Here is a map of the counties of the UK. Notice right down at the bottom, .to the west is King Arthur's country, Cornwall. Next to it is Devon, where my Puritan ancestor's started. As you go along the coast, to the east, you find Dorset, Hampshire, Sussex., where my father's people came from in the middle of the 19th century, and then Kent, where my Cavalier ancestors began. From all the many counties in Britain, my ancestors managed to come from such a relatively small part of England. And, between Devon and Kent, there managed to be so much difference in the culture.

We forget how large space is without modern transportation. We forget that in those days most people never traveled more than seven miles from where they were born. That the invention of the bicycle greatly reduced birth defects because it allowed men who didn't own horses to court from a larger distance.

As I think about Fischer's Albion's Seed, I find it very helpful to consult this map.

It is also helpful to keep this map of Colonial America to hand.

The distances in the New World, the miles between the colonies, were much greater. And yet, because all of the colonies are on the Atlantic, and it was such a short time between their settlement and modern transportation, our states are much more alike after only a few hundred years than the English counties were after over a thousand. Space has shrunk.

The other thing to remember is that when the Puritans and the Cavaliers, the Uptons and the Herndons, first came here Massachusetts and Virginia were the only colonies that had been founded. To me, born in California and currently living in Alaska, all of the east coast states look about postage stamp size.But when the only transportation is ship and horse, those colonies were far apart. And they were far apart for long enough that the very distinct cultures which they started with were firmly rooted, and still are strongly reflected. It isn't just that I can understand the Uptons by reading about the original Puritans; I can understand why the New England states are blue states, where the roots of the liberal grounding came from. It wasn't just the Herndons who took traits from the Cavaliers. The South is still highly influenced by its heritage. Still red states. Still Republican stronghold.

To this day, New England and the South still mean different things by family values. Still have different views of proper male-female relationships. The hierarchy is still strong in the South.

Isn't it odd, that the South which was founded by elites who worked very hard to remain elite, is the hotbed of the GOP, which accuses New England of being "liberal elite"?

UK map courtesy milesfaster.co-UK
Colonial map courtesy Fasttrackteaching.com
Click to enlarge

Understanding Family II

2008-01-13T09:23:00.000-09:00

I've been working on Albion's Seed and have now learned some things about my maternal grandfather's side of the family, the Cavaliers who migrated from south and west England to Virginia. My ancestors came from Kent, one of the eastern most counties in England. Which is interesting -- my Puritan ancestors came from Devonshire, which was one of the western most counties.

This part of my family followed naming customs in Virginia, as had the Puritans in Massachusetts. Children were named, not after Biblical figures, but for kings and heroes. My great-aunt Julia, a name from Rome; Williams and Edwards abound in the family tree. Even the fact that my grandfather had no sons who survived infancy and so Forrest was given his last name as a middle name is a part of this naming tradition. My father's people, who came to the US in the 19th century, came from Sussex, which is next to Kent and followed the same naming customs. My father was Roland Charles, his father was Roland Charles, his father was Roland Charles -- and one of my brothers was Roland Charles. Roland the knight from the poem, Childe Roland To the Dark Tower Came, by Robert Browning and Charles, the king; and naming sons after fathers.

Where Puritans revered age, Cavaliers respect seniority. In Massachusetts once you were 60, you were an elder. In Virginia, if you were the eldest you received respect. Although Virginia was a very hierarchical society, with a wide range of ranks from high aristocracies through slaves, a young aristocrat would show at least nominal respect to an older freeman, calling him Gaffer and deferring to his judgement.

Children in Virginia were not treated with the same equality as the Puritan children were. Boys were expected to develop a strong will, but to discipline it so that they could discipline their inferiors. Girls were expected to be deferent and sweet and ladylike. Of course, with boys being bred for willfulness, some of the girls were as well. Melonie might have been the ideal southern woman, but Scarlett was recognizable. In my family, it is interesting that the great-grandmother who would not promise to obey when she married was the one from the south. In Fischer's book he mentions southern women in the very early years of the colony who stood in church and when it came to the vows repeated "Not obey" until it was accepted that this woman would not obey.

The tragedy of southern families was the unhealthiness of the region, which led to a very high mortality rate. Where the Puritans could expect to live long lives because of the healthiness of the region they had settled, Cavaliers lost many children and as a rule died young.

My family seems not to have been influenced as much by its Cavalier roots as by its Puritan. And I can say that I'm glad. Almost the first law passed in Massachusetts was the poor law, which forbade anyone be allowed to be hungry. The Puritans taxed themselves higher and supported education from the beginning. The Cavaliers worked hard to prevent literacy among their inferiors (which included the highest ranked women), since reading led to the questioning of authority and Cavalier society was built on accepting authority. Women and men were almost equal in Massachusetts, as unequal as they could be in Virginia. Puritans were given land when they arrived, and although some had more than others, it was not by much. They were a very egalitarian society, working to accept only the middle of the caste system from England. Cavalier aristocracy received huge land grants; hardly anyone else received any. All ranks were encouraged to immigrate, for how else could the aristocracy maintain its position and be served by lower ranks? Massachusetts not only punished rape, the penalty was often death. Virginia had a "boys will be boys" attitude that tolerated rape of inferiors and so thoroughly punished even the slightest crime against superiors that although violence against equals and inferiors was common, against superiors it was almost unheard of.

The Laughing Cavalier by Franz Hals

Lovely to Look At

2008-01-12T07:03:00.000-09:00

I haven't anything to say this morning, so I thought I'd share this lovely picture of the Campanile on the Berkeley campus. When Richard and Julie were little, and I was a student at UC Berkeley, every Saturday we would spend running errands and exploring the world. One of the stops was the Campanile, which charged a dime for the three of us (R & J in the double stroller) to go to the top. It is a lovely view and on a clear day you can count the windows in the buildings in San Francisco.

The Right

2008-01-11T07:03:00.000-09:00

What will you do to protect the rights of all Americans to worship -- or not?

Particularly, what will you do to protect the rights of people who are not like you? People who do not believe what you believe? People who you think are wrong?

Will you protect the rights of all Americans to believe and think what they will? Or do you think that the people who agree with you are somehow more American? More right? More worthy?

Wearing White After Labor Day

2008-01-10T07:01:00.000-09:00

I'm certain that your mother told you it isn't proper to wear white after Labor Day. Why has no one told her?

Such a pretty creature. Quiet and alert. She appears very calm here, but if those wonderful ears catch the slightest hint that she isn't safe, she is gone. She knows that she is prey, and she lives her life accordingly. When in danger, run very fast. And not in a straight line.

It's too bad that we don't always have her good sense. Sometimes we train her wisdom out of our daughters. We teach them that if they don't feel safe, they mustn't insult anyone by acting like it.

Well, worrying about someone else's feeling doesn't keep us safe. Being willing to run or scream or fight and be more concerned with our own needs than the possible feelings of a person who we find threatening, does.

So, let's teach our children, daughters and sons alike, to stay safe. To pay attention to their fears and to react quickly. To run and scream loudly if they must. Let's teach them that it is better to be safe than to spare some one's feelings.

Memories of Home

2008-01-09T07:08:00.000-09:00

To someone like me, who was born in the San Francisco Bay Area and lived a good number of years there, there is nothing as lovely to look at as the Golden Gate Bridge in the fog.

It feels like home. Cool weather. Sourdough bread. Ripe produce bought at farmers' markets. Dungeness crab at the wharf. Long walks at my own pace.

Hangin' out in Golden Gate Park and the zoo. Flower sellers on street corners. Being able to choose almost any cuisine and find it in a range of prices. Book stores and golden afternoons.

Name	Fax	Phone
Feingold	(202) 224-2725	(202) 224-5323
Dodd	(202) 224-1083	(202) 224-2823
Obama	(202) 228-4260	(202) 224-2854
Sanders	(202) 228-0776	(202) 224-5141
Menendez	(202) 228-2197	(202) 224-4744
Biden	(202) 224-0139	(202) 224-5042
Brown	(202) 228-6321	(202) 224-2315
Harkin	(202) 224-9369	(202) 224-3254
Cardin	(202) 224-1651	(202) 224-4524
Clinton	(202) 228-0282	(202) 224-4451
Akaka	(202) 224-2126	(202) 224-6361
Webb	(202) 228-6363	(202) 224-4024
Kennedy	(202) 224-2417	(202) 224-4543
Boxer	(415) 956-6701	(202) 224-3553

Adj.	1.	puritanical - of or relating to Puritans or Puritanism
	2.	puritanical - exaggeratedly proper; "my straitlaced Aunt Anna doesn't approve of my miniskirts"