Friday, December 08, 2006

Adventures of a Deparment Store Santa

The man in this photo is my ex-husband, Dick. That's Richard in his lap. The year Richard was born was the third that Dick had worked as Santa for the White House Department Store in Oakland, California. Dick was a gifted actor and he loved the part.

The first year that he held the position, one day early in the season, when there were no children to visit, he was circulating among the shoppers and adding his ho-ho-hoes* to the cheerful hub-bub, when he approached a woman with "Ho, ho, ho, and what can Santa bring you?" And she responded, "Santa, all I want is a sales clerk!" So, he took her by the hand and led her to the closest counter. Since he was Santa Claus, of course the crowd parted, as the Red Sea for Moses, and the clerk immediately turned to him. "Be a good Santa's Helper and assist this lovely woman," he requested. So it was spoken, and so it was done. A few minutes later the woman sought him out, thanked him and said, "When do you get off Santa? I'll buy you a drink." "Ho, ho, ho. Santa's only 19. Thank you anyway."

The year Richard was born, someone decapitated the Barbie belonging to Dick's niece. He decided to replace the head, and so one day when there was no one about he decapitated one of the store Barbies, stuck her head in his pocket, and her body on the very back of the shelf where no child would be traumatized by it. When he got home he realized he had forgotten to bring the doll head home, but there were still a couple of weeks until Christmas, so he wasn't worried about it. The next day when he went in to work he discovered that the office staff had held their Christmas breakfast that morning and the store manager had worn the Santa suit. And, to the amazement of all, while he was giving a speech of good cheer and general merriment, put his hand in his pocket and pulled out Barbie's head. When he asked Dick how the head had gotten into his pocket, Dick told him he had seen it on the floor in the toy department and picked it up to prevent a small child from being frightened by it. For which quick thinking and responsible behavior, he was praised.

And I'll bet you had never suspected that Maya's Granny was the woman who divorced Santa Claus.

* Hos? Hoes? What is the plural of ho?

8 comments:

Py Korry said...

Great story! I'm learning a lot about your life with DG.

Ally Bean said...

You were the former Mrs. Claus! Your life has been very interesting, indeed. What a good story.

Never That Easy said...

LOL ... A decapitated doll? It's the stuff Christmas stories are made of!

Ms. Mamma said...

That is soooo funny and "Nightmare Before Christmas-ish".

Ginnie said...

Oh, those Santas! I think the kids need to be the ones keeping a list... as to which Santas are "naughty or nice".

jan said...

Loved the stories and great to read a blog by a contemporary. My son was Santa for several years as a teenager and was propositioned twice. I can't blog about it because he reads what I write.

J said...

Too funny. I like that he got praised, when what he was really doing was stealing from the store.

kenju said...

The former Mrs. Santa? Who knew?!


I don't know the plural for ho, but I suspect it would be hos.