Narcissism to the Fore

I belong to an on-line support group of women who have given up dieting. We have discovered that it doesn't work for us. The amazing thing about this is that, in giving up dieting, we also gave up a number of other things. Like eternally yo-yoing to ever higher numbers. Like food obsession. Like self-hatred. Like wasting our money on diet products and treatments and books. Like having anything to talk about with a huge proportion of the women we used to hang out with. Like feeling guilty for having a piece of our own birthday cake.

But, we have discovered that we also gave up a number of things that don't, at first glance, seem to have much to do with food or weight. Like being willing to let other people define our value. Like believing that we are less. Like accepting the gender stereotypes that so suppress us. Like letting insecure men win games that they can't win if we don't let them. Like being willing to cater to the whims of others.

The refusal to allow society to define us as ugly because we are fat evolves into the refusal to allow society to define us as less because we are women, and eventually to questioning why we should need to be beautiful to be worthy. Learning to first accept that the fat old woman in the mirror is me, and then to come to like her (there was the morning that I found myself, nekkid as I was born, dancing in front of the mirror and singing "I'm a little teapot" with all the kindergarten hand movements) has led to being proud of her. To seeing her in a store window and thinking "That's someone's beautiful grandmother" and then realizing that indeed, it is Maya's beautiful Granny.

And what we have discovered is that we are no longer self-involved. Dieting takes all of your energy. You have to always be aware of what you are eating, counting the points, counting the calories, counting the carbs. Remembering everything you ate today to see if you can "afford" a licorice whip. Breaking out and bingeing and hating yourself and planning the next diet. All of it self-hatred. All of it self-involved. While the world goes to hell in a handbasket, the dieter counts her points and doesn't notice. Doesn't notice while we attack a country that didn't threaten us in any way. Doesn't notice as our Constitutional rights are stolen from us. Doesn't notice that the current administration doesn't tell, or indeed recognize, the truth. Doesn't notice while women's reproductive rights are whittled away at an ever accelerating rate. Doesn't notice as women in the work place lose ground on wages. Doesn't notice as the U.S. government attacks science and slides further toward theocracy. Doesn't notice when the vice-president tells us that if the people of Connecticut vote Lieberman out of office they will be encouraging terrorists. Doesn't notice when New Orleans drowns and when a year later the levees still haven't been adequately repaired.

Focusing on your appearance, whether out of pride or shame, is a form of narcissism. And narcissism will destroy not only the individual who exhibits it, but our country as well. Amazingly, being willing to give up the focus on my body, my beauty, my diet becomes the willingness to focus on our world.

There is a great story on Alternet.org about narcissism In Love With Ourselves by Silja J.A. Talvi.

American culture is full of narcissists of all shapes and stripes -- George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Paris Hilton and any number of other public figures leap to mind.

And how can it be otherwise? Sit for one night and pay attention to the commercials on any channel on television. How many instruct you to become self-involved to achieve happiness? How about the 51 year old grandmother strutting around her pool with the body of a teenager, due to her use of the exercise equipment? How about the guys guzzling beer and finding adventure? How about the hair color commercial that tells you that you deserve the very best? The automobile ad that suggests that it's never too early to buy a status car?

Aren't they all saying that if you pay more attention to your needs and wants, buy their product, you will be perfect? And isn't the very idea that you could be perfect narcissistic?