Tuesday, March 25, 2008

So It Goes

So here I am. Not very bright and clever. But not lost. Working on a new keyboard, so clumsy. Much I'd like to say, but my hand goes to sleep and my butt aches. I wish my body felt better and worked better. Talking tires me, as does listening. I want to sleep and wish I had the energy to be awake. The hours pass slowly and I am beginning to realize that I am depressed. Dare I say it, Cheerful Charlie that I am? Depressed.

I have spent my life being optimistic and cheery and I have decided to let myself be unhappy here. I think that the more public my outcry the better it may do me, on the theory of not hiding a thing. So, prepare. For a while, I may just rant and rave.

What has this sickness cost me? Shall we start with my Hooligans? My soft, silky loves. Inky Pippin and wicked Merry? I will never again wake up with Pippin on my hip and Merry on my feet. Never. I feel so empty without my Hooligan boys. And they will never understand. One day I went out to breakfast and never came back. And they lost me and home and each other. They've been together since the womb, and now they are not. And I want to cry and scream and yell and carry on. My babies.

I know that they will adapt. One day they may not even remember me. But I'm not certain I'll ever recover. Yes, I know I will. But I don't feel like I ever will.



And I love them so much. I enjoyed their company and the soft warmth of their little beings. Merry cuddling on my chest and purring like all get along. Pippin looking me in the eye and knocking things off the desk. Very much on purpose. Sheer delight. How can I go on without them?

22 comments:

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

When it's all tallied up, you will have lost quite a bit in this whole thing. But I think the Hooligans will turn out to be the most irreplaceable. I know that they miss you. I know that they will adapt, and you will too. I know that it will be harder on you than on them. I do not know that they are apart, though. They might well be together. And if they are apart, they will adapt to that as well, though again, not easy. Poor babies.

kelliamanda said...

I so wish you could keep the Hooligans with you. I know how hard it is to lose your beloved cats, especially unexpectedly. I do hope they are together. I wish I could give you a hug in person, but a virtual one will have to do. You are an amazing woman, Joycelyn, and you will get through this, but, wow, how terrible that you have to do it without your Pippin and Merry.

Rain said...

Is there no way to have someone keep them for now until you are ready to again have them with you? I know how you feel and they would be my greatest loss also. I know that there are those who would help you do this if it is at all possible. Cats do love us and yes, they will adapt but they will never forget. Even our cows never forget. They are what makes me cry for you on this. If there is anyway to keep them for a someday reunion, I know others would do what they can to help that happen.

And you are right to write what you feel. Totally. Life isn't all made up of joys and if we all had to wait until we had joy, we'd write a lot less. Faking it doesn't make for a very authentic life or blog.

Anonymous said...

(((Granny))) I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please know that you have been through so much, physically and emotionally, and it is NORMAL to have zilch energy and want to sleep all of the time. Your body really does need that rest to heal from the surgeries and stress. Things like that do a real number on us. It's incredible and hard to believe until you've experienced it. Please keep believing that this, too, will pass and in a few months you'll feel so much better. Please take good care and take this time to pamper yourself, rest, relax and heal. You deserve to complain all you want -- we're here to listen, commisserate, encourage and send you all of the cyberhugs you need.
Love, Sandy

Deja Pseu said...

Oh, Maya's Granny, I'm so sorry. Our "fur people" are so precious to us; this must be so hard for you.

Anvilcloud said...

You are totally right to mourn your losses and those of others be they critter or human.

kenju said...

J - you are wise.

MG - she is right. It is understandable that you will be depressed for a while. And I understand missing and worrying about the kitties; how could you not? Animals often know more than we think they do. Perhaps they have intuited why you disappeared. I am sure they would forgive you, if they knew the cause.

As to your body: it will get better, but you must be patient and do what you know to be best for you and your recovery. If ranting will make you feel better - by all means - rant away!!Better a rant than no posts at all.

Cherry said...

As I sit here with my boys by my side (my fur boys if you will), I ache with the pain you must feel. Through all of your pains of your heart, this is one that will be the hardest to heal.
I'm sorry the situation isn't different so they could come to CA with you.

You complain, and rant and tell all you need to tell. You do what you need to do to heal the physical and emotional wounds. I'm thrilled that you are up and moving and can get to a computer. Do whatever you need to do!

Linda Atkins said...

Oh, dear, dear, dear. I'm having a little cry (here at work) over the Hooligans. I'm so terribly sorry. (One good thing: It's neat to hear directly from you again! Whew!)

lilalia said...

Rant away. We are here and ready and waiting. A good rant, and heavens, you so do deserve to say whatever is on your heart (after all it has been through in the last weeks), is best spoken to those who care. Otherwise, people would think you are crazy as well as ill (hee).

ShortWoman said...

I was going to say... well, what everybody else said.

Hugs and my best thoughts for you (and the hooligans wherever they are).

Jill said...

I am so, so sorry the Hooligans aren't with you. I know they miss you, and I also know that they are very resilient. After all, they were raised by Maya's Granny. They will be okay. They will. But this is so hard on you. I am thinking of you and sending healing vibes to you, and happy vibes to the Hooligans.

gurukarm said...

I guess I missed some info along the way - I'm not clear on why it is the boys couldn't come to California with you? I mean, I understand why not in the extended care facility, but, aren't you going to be living in a more independent situation again sometime? I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. And I'm especially sorry you've had to let the cats go.

Maya's Granny said...

I am going to have to stay with my mom at first, and she has no place for cats. She's 85 and asking her to clean up after cats is a bit much. Well, actually, first I will be staying with Kate, who has a cat. Forrest has cats and dogs. I have no idea how long it will be before I am able to live on my own again.

Joy Des Jardins said...

I'm sorry about your sweet Hooligans J. This will probably be the hardest adjustment of all for you; but you will make it and go on...because one thing I've learned by reading all your posts....YOU ARE ONE DETERMINED LADY. Any depression is understood...and even warranted; but you will do what you have to...and you will come out better for it. One thing that MUST be apparent to you by now is how much you are loved by us all J.... Much love, ~Joy

Mary Lou said...

My second thought after learning of your condition was the Hooligans! I wish I lived closer to you, I would cat sit until you could have them back. I would be absolutley LOST without my babies! My heart aches right along with yours! God I wish I could help. But as bad as I feel right now, I may be next!!!

It is very good to see you posting again though! They cant keep a good woman down!

Never That Easy said...

Welcome back!!! Oh, I'm so glad you're feeling well enough to post again! I've missed you, and been thinking of you.

I'm sorry about the Hooligans, and that you can't have them with you. That comfort is important, and I wish I could give you a great big hug to help you out.

Dea said...

((((MG))))

I'm so glad you're back online! And so sorry for the separation from your hooligans.

This week I went to my local animal shelter and adopted an adult cat, with you and yours in mind. Because he has a microchip I learned that this is his third home. "Welcome to your next life, little Fernando!"

I have complete faith that your lovelies will find similar fortune.

(((((MG)))))

Autumn's Mom said...

oh granny. I feel so much for your situation. You need to heal your heart as a muscle and also as the window to your soul. I sat at my computer today and cried for you. I lost my most precious baby a few years ago, and truly I'm still not over it. Sad but true. It's hard when one day, they are just gone. I wish I could give you a big ol squeeze. Actually, when you come to CA, I will do just that!!

GirlGriot said...

I'm so glad to see you back on the blog ... and then so, so sad to hear that you won't be able to keep the boys with you. I remeber when you got them. (((((MG))))) Like Linda, I'm having a little cry because you cannot keep them. If you could get them to New York, I'd keep them with me until you were able to take them back, but I don't imagine that would work terribly well for them.

--Stacie

Uncivil said...

Gosh, how I know you are mourning the loss of your precious Hooligans.
I hope we hear some good news on their part soon.
I've been catching up here and it's good to see you posting.
I think it will do wonders for your recovery.

Anonymous said...

((((((((((JOycelen)))))))))

mary in Scotland