Sunday, June 15, 2008

I had a dream

peri-loss
Art by my brother, Richard Ward.

I had a dream the other night. We decided to take my mom off of all of her meds, not just her antidepressants, and she got out of bed and was walking, walking like I haven't seen her walk in about 25 years. Fast and with a spring in her step. She looked much younger, too...perhaps about 40 years old. She had her hair in two long red braids, and was wearing a tie-dye dress and looked so happy. Carefree and healthy and in her prime.

Then I woke up, and for the briefest second, I was truly happy for her. Then it hit me, that no matter if she were to recover, it would never be that sweet full recovery, that fountain of youth. And worse, I knew, in the pit of my stomach, that she would never recover. That this battle was too much for her, and the motivation too difficult to muster. And I almost cried from despair.

And now, it looks as though I was right. My much loved mother suffered a heart attack at around 2am this morning, and she passed away.

How I wish that cold, cruel truth were the dream, and my dream, reality.

(p.s., Ted posted a sweet story on his blog today, a glimpse of what we have lost.)

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

Remember her with the braids and her tie-dye dress and walking briskly because that's how she was and that how she is and that's how she will always be for the cosmos. She meant a lot to me and to a lot of people.

Rain said...

I'm so sorry. I came here after reading your blog where I commented more fully, just saying again that I am sorry for your family's loss. And it is the loss for bloggers too as your mom contributed a point of view that was unique. Her voice will be missed.

Gladys said...

What sad news. I had been reading your mom's blog for a few years and had come to admire her enormously. I am sorry for your loss and for Maya's loss, too. Gladys

Suzann said...

Oh Julie and Richard and Maya and Ted - and the rest of the family. I am so very, very sorry for your loss of your beautiful Mother. As Rain said, we will all miss your mother's incredible perspectives, her opinions, spirit and voice. I am thinking of all of you across the miles. Maya's Granny will always be in our hearts.

gawilli said...

Your mom was my hero. She said the things I thought and felt with such wisdom and understanding. I will miss her terribly. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Judy in Houston said...

Julie and Richard and all of your family,

Please accept my condolences on your loss. I can't believe that your mother is gone. She was one of the most amazing women I've ever known. She offered her love and support and encouragement to so many who never had the chance to meet her in the flesh.

Know that her strong and loving influence will continue on through the lives of the many, many people whose lives she touched so deeply.

Anonymous said...

I have dearly loved reading this blog. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Chancy said...

Julie,The first words out of my mouth when I read your post were
"Oh My God"

I am so very sorry that MG is gone but it seems she was more than ready and did not want to fight on.

From so many miles away in Atlanta, Georgia, I have felt close to your Mom through her beatutiful writing. We will all miss her.

Maya will treasure what MG has written for her.

Blessings

Chancy

Anonymous said...

I am at a loss for words and cannot begin to express how heartbreaking this news is. I am so sorry for your loss. She was a treasure and an extraordinarily special, genuine, wise, and loving woman who I greatly admired and will miss more than I can say. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Love, Sandy

Jill said...

Julie family, I am so, so sorry. This really, really stinks. Sending you much warmth and unlimited hugs. Gosh. The world really is a better place for your mom having been here.

Jill said...

I meant to say "Julie AND family..."

Lena said...

I am so sorry -- those of us who read her blog feel like she is an old friend. And I miss my neighbor. My love and condolences to you and all the family. Lena

Liz said...

This has been one of my favorite blogs ever since I discovered it a few years ago. I particularly loved the posts she made about her growing up years and family remembrances. I'm so sorry for your loss, but think of the legacy she left you and your family on this blog. What a gift!

Deja Pseu said...

Oh, I am so sorry, Julie. I really thought she'd eventually bounce back. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

I consider myself very lucky to have known her.

kenju said...

I am so sad, for you and your family and for me - since I will never again read her words of wisdom and humor. Rest in peace, MG, rest in peace.

~Macarena~ said...

I will miss her.

Jennifer Bianco said...

Julie, I am very sorry for your lost. You and your family are in my thoughts.

I am very saddened by this news. Joycelyn gave me such support and wisdom several years ago when we first "met". I admired her tremendously and will always remember her positive spirit.

Betty said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Julie and family. I loved reading your mom's blog. She was funny and wise and lively, and I agreed with so many of her opinions. I will miss her blog.

Dea said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Julie. What sad news.

lilalia said...

I am so very sorry about you mom and I send you and your family all my loving thoughts. She fought a brave battle, and inspired many of us with her spirited tellings of her life and her family. I will miss you mom terribly. Take dearest care.

Anonymous said...

(((((((((((Julie))))))))))))))))


I'm so sorry. You mom was a wonderful and revolutionary woman who made a profound and positive impact around the world via the internet.

Mary in Scotland

ireneintheworld said...

i am very saddened by this news and send warm thoughts across the world you you all. i only discovered your mother's blog a few months ago and was drawn in by her voice - what a loss. and yes, what a beautiful thing is a blog; this is something to treasure. x

Anvilcloud said...

Aw. We will She who we never actually met. It will be a difficult for you guys. Hang in there. Maybe the dream was real for another dimension. Who's to say?

kelliamanda said...

Oh goodness. I am so sorry, Julie. Your mom was a wonderful wonderful person and I will miss her words of wisdom. She used to leave supportive and comforting comments on my blog and I always appreciated her input. She will definitely be missed by the blogging community - those friends who never met her in person - but so much more so by your family. I'm so so sorry.

hshelly said...

Julie, my condolences to you, to Richard, to Ted, to Maya...to all of you. MG will be missed by many. Her life and her voice touched so many lives, in such a positive way. Please know that we're all sending you our love.

Heather in San Leon (Houston)

Joy Des Jardins said...

I'm so truly sorry....so truly heartbroken. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. I can only imagine how you and Richard feel. I know how I feel...and how all of her blogging friends must be feeling. I haven't even read the rest of the comment yet...I'm totally stunned to be honest. I can only say how sorry I am for you and your family....and for all of us....for everyone who has love J and ever read any of her beautiful and rich words. I will miss her so very much. She was a special soul and will always have a place in my heart....my love to you all....bless you and your family Julie.

Anonymous said...

Julie, Richard, and your families:
What a shock! At least your mother will not have to put up with any more of the indignities of our health-care system.
I feel your loss keenly, and will spead the word among the Elves, Leprechauns, Gnomes, and Little Men's Chowder and Marching Society.
--Jack Hairston

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother seemed like an incredible person.

Uncivil said...

J
I can't find words. Just want to come here and mourn for your loss.

Kay Dennison said...

I am so sorry for your loss and the loss of all of us in the blogosphere. She touched a lot of lives with her intellect, wit, and wisdom and I am thankful to have met her -- she was a great lady!

Laura said...

Joycelyn was a great friend and comfort to me several years ago when we both participated on a Yahoo group. She had the very special gift of being both a clear, logical thinker and a caring, loving person. I treasure all my correspondence with her, and have many of her posts to me printed out for re-reading.

I am so sorry to hear of her passing. You have my deepest sympathy.

dana said...

She had a vital, vibrant, awesome, and wise voice. And as a mother, I'm sure she was all that and more. My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

Laura Witkes said...

(I'm sorry - I just realized I referred to your mom as "Joycelyn" in the comment I just left. That's how I knew her back then, and how I always think of her. You can ammend my previous post if you like. Thanks.)

Anonymous said...

I didn't "know" your mother well but would see her comments left on other blogs.
I just went to Rain's blog and read that your mother passed away and just wanted to extend my deepest sympathy for your loss.
I can't help but feel that your dream was a very realistic message for you to hang on to. How fortunate for you to have had it. May time heal your sorrow and bring many wonderful memories of your mother back to you.
Terri
http://www.islandwriter.net

donna said...

So sad... so sorry for you all...

We'll miss her and the wonderful stories she told us...

Mary Lou said...

OH I Am so SORRY!! I came by for an update, not expecting to read this. We have truly lost a special lady!!!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I had only read this blog for a short period of time but MG always gave me something to think about and I always looked forward to new posts.

My thoughts will be with your family during this time. Take care.

Daisy said...

Ohhh, I am just heartbroken. :(

In my faith tradition, we pray for the dead and their peaceful passing. I am praying for her now, and that her righteous spirit may pass to its next place unheeded.

Goodbye, dearest granny.

fallenmonk said...

I was always pleased when your mother stopped by and left one of her precious comments on my blog. So sorry for your loss. She had an influence around the world with her blog and comments on others. Thanks for sharing the news and your mother with us for so many years.

Pavel said...

Hi,
I came over from "Autumn's mom" and just wanted to say that I'm sorry for losing your mom. I looked over a bit and she seemed like a treasure you'd want around forever.

Take care

gurukarm said...

Oh. Oh. I am SO sorry for your loss - and that of all of us who have enjoyed her interesting, insightful, and entertaining writing. I hope you will be able to leave this blog active for awhile for people who might have a chance to read some of the archived content - and as a tribute to your dear and wonderful mother.

What a sweet dream to remember her/send her off by.

Brenda said...

I came over at the recommendation of Mary lou who was a faithful reader of your Mother's blog. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

JaM said...

How sad for us that Maya's Granny writes no more. I mourn the loss of a wonderful StoryTeller. May her loved ones find comfort. They have lost so much more. Maya's Granny became a role model for me in remote, rural Australia, as an elder in the land of blogs. I love the dream image of her, walking free, wearing her long hair in red braids and - especially - the tie-dyed dress. Peace, Maya's Granny.

joared said...

Please know that I'm thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. I enjoyed visiting her blog, reading of her observations on her life experience. I'm sure you have many treasured memories that will always be with you.

Anonymous said...

So sorry, she was a very special wonderful lady.

Jill said...

Julie, your mom was so very special to so many of us. But I just wanted to weigh in on your dream. Don't be so sure it was just a dream. I've been visited by those who've passed on soon after passing. I believe it's when we're asleep that our minds are open to realities that our conscious minds aren't. I believe what you saw was your mom, blessed in passing with renewed youth and vigor. Her loss is terrible for you, but I hope the gift she sent you of seeing her free from pain and depression provides you with some degree of comfort.

Like so many others here, I'll miss her too.

Marianne said...

Maya's Granny will be missed so very much. I have read her for a couple of years, and aspired to her strength and honesty; her wit and intelligence.

I don't know what else to say right now. There is a knot in my throat. My love to you all. My prayers too.

Never That Easy said...

Julie - I am so sorry. You and all of your family will be in my thoughts today. Maya's Granny was one of my very first blogging friends, always supportive and offering a unique perspective. I cannot explain how sad I am to hear that she has passed - for you, your family, and for all of us bloggers who's lives she touched. Thank you for letting us know, and please, please take care of yourself. Know that she will be missed, from way over here in Massachusetts.

Anna said...

I will miss her presence on the web. I send you my sincere sympathy on the loss of your mother, she was a very special lady,

Bob Brady said...

Maya's Granny was an eloquent, caring and courageous lady who brought her light into many lives. I and all her new friends will miss her, but we can still visit her words.